Still pregnant.

I can't wait a full week to post again! I might not even have a week. But I think I will have another 10 days. ;)

I am in a much better mood today. For starters, despite Friday night being one of the worst sleeps I've had this pregnancy (Maybe a total of 4 hours, but an hour or so at a time, then I'd awake with a NEW back pain on my RIGHT side!), I was really down Saturday morning. Neil insisted I take it super easy, so while he started inputting my tangible receipts for the biz (Sigh, I love him....) I went downstairs and set up a custom-fitted "chair" with two bean bags and watched Dexter. Kramer joined me, and we even snoozed for a bit.

I took two hydrocodones with dinner because it was to be an official date night at one of our fave restaurants: NoRTH. I knew I needed to get through the evening pain-free...for Neil's sake AND mine. Plus we had plans to see MISSION IMPOSSIBLE afterward. Somehow, I did make it through. We had a lovely time, and I teared up when we toasted to the challenges and fun that lie ahead. I have to admit, these last few months, despite the fact that we can't really even spoon thanks to my discomfort when lying on my side.... I feel the closest I have ever felt to my husband. A lot of this has to do with I think the fact that he has really pulled through for me. I want to write a post in the future about tips for guys and how to keep the bitch of a pregnant woman at bay. :) mostly so my brother can read it and make his wife happy in the final leg of their journey someday. haha

Also, Neil agreed (though I have to admit, he pouted about it first) to switch sides of the bed with me when we went to sleep. I think that my "half sitting, half lying" position has broken my side of the bed since it's been 4 months (at least) of 145 lbs unevenly distributed thanks to most of the weight landing where my butt hits the mattress. His side was definitely firmer, and it helped support my hippo-self. So get this--I slept from a bit after midnight till 8 a.m., only waking 3x to pee, and 2x to readjust, a bit stiff and sore each time, but no pain that kept me awake for hours. I cannot believe it myself!!!

So today, I am feeling better mentally too....Neil is currently grocery shopping. And I think part of my higher spirits has something to do with  the fact he's bringing me fried chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans from the store. YUMMY.

Today also marks our 8-year anniversary of dating. We had "talked" for a month before.....he came into my life when I needed him the most. I was stressed, I was on again, off again with a very tumultuous relationship that left me drained and down rather than empowered... and I was ready to grow up and date someone who valued me longer than a week at a time. He knew I was having a rough week in December of 2003...so he showed up with a pan of brownies to cheer me up. No guy had ever done something like that for me. I don't even like brownies, but who the eff cares? I ate them anyway.

The rest is history. I actually had been keeping a journal for the two years prior...documenting my heartache and my dissatisfaction with my personal life. It's crazy, but I stopped writing in it the month Neil made his move. Happiness is less of a motivator for writing than drama is, I guess.

So enough cheese...onto pregnancy updates.

Any male reading this that wishes to remain blissfully unaware of yucky things, please skip the following paragraph:

I think I lost a portion of my mucus plug last Friday. Mucus plug. Gosh, can that sound any more revolting? Why, yes it can. If it's red, it can be called bloody show. Are you kidding me? As if we're not grossed out enough about the concept, the name has to make us want to barf? I bet a man coined the term with his former frat buddies. Why can't we rename it? I vote for something like... "Cork of New Life."See? Immediately sounds lovely and less gag-worthy.

In the past month, I've also received a few reassuring emails and encouraging exchanges that aim at putting any qualms I have about parenting at ease. The weird thing is, I'm not worried about being a mom, per se. Or about Neil being a dad. I KNOW we'll be good parents. We'll stumble and fall along the way. We'll shake our head in disbelief, in confusion and sometimes fury. We'll throw our arms up and feel like walking away. But we didn't go into this knowing it's not a game of trial and error. That I'm looking forward to, oddly enough.

The biggest source of consternation on my part is the delivery itself. And I think that is fairly normal. I keep ticking them off in my head...and just think that maybe if I write them all down and share them, maybe they'll go away? Or at least I'll not feel so overwhelmed as I try to remember them all.

So here they are...in no particular order...my fears/worries about bringing our son into the world:

• the pain itself
• a long labor
• not feeling the instinctual love kick in for him (Though, someone I love dearly has assured me that if it doesn't come right away, it will come later...and make up for it. That it's okay to not be smitten fully at first. Thank you to her. ;) )
• thinking he's not cute (I had a dream last night where he came out looking like one of those exaggerated African masks...but, he latched right on to breastfeeding easily, so at least there was that. haha)
• something being wrong with him
• not having time to shower/shave before I go to the hospital (though that WOULD mean we have a fast labor...)
• crapping during labor
• being constipated after labor (and with MY other digestive issues, this could result in absolute agony because being backed up and then getting a  spastic colon is like labor out of the other end....)
• tearing "down there" (though I prefer this to being cut because quite frankly, tearing happens because your body needs to tear...cutting would be a possibly unnecessary procedure that could have been avoided or was done "too much" when not needing to) 
• fainting from the pain (I've fainted after a pap smear once)
• being weak due to my not being able to consume anything but ice chips per hospital protocol 
• the epidural (the size of the needle, the precariousness of its placement due to my steel rod, etc.)
• the epidural's effectiveness
• the vulnerability of having my legs in the air and people all up in my business 
• ending up needing a c-section (I will be fine in the end if this happens, but I'd really like to avoid another surgery, more scar tissue, longer recovery time, bonding with my kiddo, and all the risks associated with it...)
• having difficulty breastfeeding right off the bat
• going home and still having my back pain...I don't think I can be a decent mother if I'm on bedrest!

There. I feel a bit better. 

I had paused this post long enough to get my last massage... it was okay. I didn't feel like it was much different from any other massage in terms of hitting pressure points. But Neil and I also went for a mile walk before the massage...and that is the longest I've walked since June. Actually, I don't think I've walked more than a block since November due to my back probs. So not sure if it were the massage or the walk, but I am absolutely worn out and feeling lots of pressure down there. LOTS of pressure. And sharp needles of pain intermittently shoot through the region I'd rather not name. But let's get this dilation on with!!!

I need to stop worrying about when in terms of when it will be most convenient for the visitors and Neil's limited PTO. It just needs to happen, we go with the flow, and boom, we'll have a baby boy. I really am getting more excited for that part. It's been a long process in coming (I know that sounds horrible) but I want to be honest. I'm ready to meet the brute who has impacted my life so much already. And Neil is, too. Now, Kramer? That might be another story.