I am a mess but there is an end in sight.

So at 40 weeks and 2 days, I had a doc appointment today. The one I thought I would have to cancel. This is the first appointment since the beginning where I showed up looking like I gave up. haha I donned sweat pants and a tank and hoodie zip-up. It is really all that still fits me.

We started with the ultrasound. We learned that Dub still has testicles. (And they were huge! SEe below!) So that's good we don't have to waste all the boy clothes we have. (WE HAVE TONS!!!)

Also, and I'm probably messing up the facts here, but it'll give you an idea of what it means... they measure amounts of amniotic fluid on a scale of 5 to 25...and 5 is dangerously low. I have a 22. So that means that he's good in there...and that he's not going to be whopper-sized like I was (they can deduce this because if he were bigger, there would be less fluid). Hooray. The bad part of that high of a number: If my water breaks, we might need Noah's Ark to save us. 

And then after that, not much more news to report because I have made no progress with the dilation, despite the fact that I feel so much different. We actually nearly went to the L&D last night because I was having such intense contractions and lower back pain. But they weren't consistent, they weren't getting worse. I felt nauseated and super gassy....but I never felt the gripping period cramps I supposedly will feel when it's real. So we stayed home. I got five hours of sleep in one-hour increments over the course of 7 hours. That is aHUGE improvement from the previous three nights. Go, me!

So back to the appointment. I really didn't think I'd be upset hearing that I wasn't dilated because my mom said she didn't dilate with any of us three kids until she was IN labor.... but my back was hurting pretty bad by this point (it was a late appointment) and let's face it.. I am pregnant with emotions, too. So while lying back with my feet in the stir-ups, I covered my face and cried. 

My doctor (who is amazing and I highly recommend her...Dr. Carriker is her name!!...) kept saying she's sorry...but told me to not discouraged, and it really does mean nothing. She then asked, "Is there anything I can do for you?" 

I said through my sputtering tears... "Yes, Please help me up." 

So she pulled me up and while sitting on the end of the table with that awkward paper-towel skirt over my lap, she hugged me!! My doctor hugged me while I was wearing no pants. hahahaha She is so freaking sweet. It made me laugh. She said she just feels so helpless and wishes there was more she could do. Talk about a wonderful bedside manner. 

And then I had a contraction on the table....she felt it and verified they are indeed intense...more than a regular Brax Hicks so she said she really thinks I'm getting close. She said she'd be surprised if I make it to induction. BUT she said IF I do make it that far (and I'm not holding my breath...my gut says that I will not go into real labor tonight, Fri or Saturday...) I might not even get to the full-blown induction. I'm going in on Sunday at 8 p.m. for them to put Cervidil in...it's like a tampon, but is medicated with a drug that simulates the hormones that ripe and dilate the cervix. Dr. C said many times, women who are as effaced as I am...and who have been going through as many contractions as I do, will go into labor from just that. So here's hoping! 

I am a bit bummed Dub didn't come today cuz it's my brother's b-day. Though now I think he is a tad relieved that he doesn't have to share. ;) (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TROY!) So from here on out, I guess it doesn't make much difference when he DOES come. There are good things and bad things to any day. If he comes tomorrow or Saturday...my mom and dad can come down and not be rushed to get back. BUT my doctor won't be delivering me. If he comes from induction, my parents have to scurry back so Dad can get to work by 2 p.m. on Tuesday. But Dr. C will deliver him...and it'd be my g-pa's bday! 

After I dried the tears and put my clothes back on...I headed out and got on the elevator with two beautiful blonde kids, 6 and 8 in age or so....and their darling mom. The kids were squealing over their Happy Meal toys and begged their mom to take them back to McDonald's this weekend. She looked at me and laughed...I said, "I remember those days when that is what we looked forward to."

The mom took my friendliness as an invitation to inquire about my due date. To which I replied..."I was due two days ago."

Her eyebrows raised and she said, "Oh wow! YOu look absolutely wonderful!"

Without thinking, I watered down her compliment with, "Thanks. I feel absolutely horrible."

Her eyes filled with sympathy and her mouth turned down with understanding. And it was over. I felt it coming, I couldn't stop it, and even more foolishly, tried to warn her.  I said, "I think I'm going to cry."

And I did. I actually broke down and let out a sob. And the elevator door opened...I covered my face...waved at them hurriedly and said, "I'm so sorry!" and cried harder. I practically ran (with a waddle) out of the elevator, leaving the lil' blonde family standing in my wake...probably mortified. I bet the mom goes home tonight and puts up a Facebook status that says she complimented an overdue pregnant chick on the elevator and the crazy bitch burst into tears. haha

Seriously....that has to be the worst case of preggo tears in my experience. I still feel so gosh darn mortified.

Though the other night, I did have another instance that I thought was the funniest. I had just lain down in bed...and anyone who has been very pregnant knows...when you lie down this far along, you have to almost wince and wait as your body parts and internal organs fall into place. It hurts. It really does. 

Moments later...Neil threw himself onto the mattress with abandonment, and totally not thinking or planning or being conscious of it, he let out a huge sigh of contentment when his head hit the pillow. 

I cannot express how strong the wave of envy was that washed over me. I turned to him and before I knew it, I was crying. He had no idea why. And his look of his confusion didn't necessarily go away when I explained it was because he is a lucky bastard who is so comfortable that he involuntarily sighed out loud. And that is sooo unfair. 

Sigh. 

Ok, so yes, I'm miserable. I hurt. I cry a lot. I am sleeping less than I ever have or ever will (seriously will get more sleep when he's here).... I am not very happy with any of this. I know some might think I'm being overly negative, but to them I really do want to say....this is MY blog. This is MY pregnancy. And these are MY feelings. I have been 80 percent honest with what I've written (I've held  back some things that border on TMI...and that would be a bit too personal to share....) 

I am not a negative person overall. But this pregnancy has sapped the rose-tinted glasses far from my eyes....and the fears that won't be put to rest completely until the labor is over....until I know if my back pain will retreat to the dark cave it came from....have dominated me mentally for so long now, that I am captive to them.  I truly am jealous of the women who say they enjoyed their pregnancy. I wish that experience for everyone. I also feel so horribly bad for those who have it worse than I do, because I don't know that I could handle it without being checked into an institution if I had to go through any more pain or problems. And I do know that I'm so lucky that nothing has been wrong with Dub along this journey. It's just Dub is causing problems for ME. 

But I went for a walk after the doc appointment with my pal Gina...and seeing her 6-month old...being out in the fresh air...the sunshine (crazy cuz it's flipping JANUARY!!)...having someone to talk to.... really helped me clear my head. Not to mention, after the appointment, I updated several of my friends and family members via text  and they all were so darlingly supportive with their responses...that I felt empowered to take a few deep breaths and tried to gain perspective. 

I am very lucky. I am blessed. I am excited. I am having a baby. Either tonight. Tomorrow. Saturday. Sunday. Or Monday. By Tuesday, I will officially be a mother. I will be on my way to being me again...but with a part of me and a part of Neil to hold in my arms, to sing to with my off-key voice, to look at in awe and to feel so in love with, to experience life in a new light again. 

I can do this. I can get through four more days of being miserable. And I am looking forward to sharing my birth story with you all....and to show you photos of Dub, whom I will find beautiful regardless, even if you don't. :) 

Thank you to all who read this...to all who have shot me emails or comments or texts or Facebook posts that offer sympathy, funny stories, commiserating memories, motivational anecdotes or just plain advice. I do appreciate it (though I must say, if you have a bad experience, perhaps save it for after I get through this...as hearing about new things I didn't know I should worry about doesn't exactly calm this worry wart down...). and I can't imagine anyone having to go this road without such a great support system. I love you all. 

xo

D

Hi, Due Date. Goodbye, Due Date.

Yeah, that's right. Today is the day. Of the same. Old. Stuff.

Let me start out this post by saying....YES, I know that the average first-time pregnancy lasts 8 days past the due date. Let me also say that 25 percent of women jump aboard the induction train, some by choice, others by necessity. And also, most due dates are calculated by the first day of the last period....and then later confirmed with ultrasound. In my case, we knew the date of conception...if we went by the date of the last period, my due date would have been Jan. 17. So right now, I am overdue according to the original due date had I not been in tune with the ovulation process. Just sayin....

Ok, so last week... I got a facial. And it was amazing. And relaxing. Though getting BH contractions and flushing fiercely while having a hot towel wrapped around my face was a bit challenging because I didn't enjoy that part. ha But the downside was that the beautician confirmed my suspicions...I have a red spot on the bridge of my nose on the left side...and another one at the top of my lip. She said they are cherry angiomas...and permanent. They are ruptured blood vessels that commonly surface during pregnancy. AWESOME. So the only way I can get rid of these bastards that look like recently popped zits is via laser surgery. Score another one for this pregnancy. I am at least thankful that the one on my nose can be covered for the most part with concealer. The lip one is more challenging as I USE my lips and concealer doesn't stay in place.

Let me break here and say, my cat is weirding me out. He is sitting in front of me on the coffee table and staring somberly at me. He has been doing this for 10 minutes. He'll look away if Neil calls his name, but otherwise, he is steadfast with his attention on me. Maybe he sensed a hormonal change that is coming! Maybe he's waiting for the first real contraction and knows it's not far off. Wishful thinking at least....

I also have been pushing on my pressure points (Neil has been helping)...walking a lot... bouncing around... and flat out praying. ha Nothing has worked...so I've concluded that nothing will. Our son is starting out his life as a procrastinator.

Physical changes... I seem to have plateaued in weight gain...at 25 lbs. I'll take it. I have SUCH extreme pressure down there...i have joked, but am dead serious, I feel as if I were raped with a canon. Twice. I can hardly lift my legs...and sitting on flat surfaces requires me to spread 'em.....making eating at a table awkward because then I can't bend forward and tend to spill all over me. I'm taking fewer showers because it's just too much work to get undressed and dressed again and then do my hair and makeup. And I am now getting lower back pain, as if someone is standing in front of me with their hands wrapped around me, palms at the small of my back, then pulling my skin forward. The pinching "in there" continues as he practices his fist pumps with my nearly effaced, but not at all dilated cervix and accompanying vaginal nerves. And if I'm on the toilet longer than 30 seconds, my legs start falling asleep. Which is more than I can say for my eyes at night. I'm racking in about 3 hours between 1 a.m. and 4...with a wake up in there for peeing and resituating. At this point, I will get MORE sleep when we have the kiddo. I'm not lying.

And Dub is getting MEAN with his kicks. He's so strong. He now can kick during an intense braxton hicks. Let's talk about painful....I actually have though I'm going into labor about 5 times now because of the pain of him being tightened up and then fighting to get out of the embrace. I googled it and it's apparently normal...and I guess a good sign that he's not being squeezed too hard if he's able to move. But gosh darn. Speaking of BH... I got them all weekend every 7-8 minutes... but nothing gets more intense, so I assume I'm not in labor. (And since no baby is literally shooting out of the precious tunnel, I'm apparently correct in my assumptions...) I think many females would have been into the L&D room several times by now due to thinking they were in labor. I have tried really hard to not over-react...so far, I've been right.

So am I regretting not taking up the doc's offer to induce last week? Physically...kinda. But I'm hoping my patience and tolerance will be rewarded.

On to the fun stuff...photos. I realized I never posted pics from the Omaha shower. So here they are... it was hosted by my sister and sister-in-law, and friend Lara, and then my other friend Audrey was an immense help that day, so she deserves credit too. :)

Enjoy the photos taken by Lara (who was in charge of decor...and she apparently excels in this...ha)

and all my ladies in Omaha... :) (Temple, my sis, on far left...me, then Lara & Carys, Wendy--sister in law--, and Audrey...)

And here are two videos (I had to break them up, but they were consecutive)....and this is what hurts when he beats me up. I want to report him to someone....but whom? ha (and btw, this is what he does to my ribs, but I can't move when he does that cuz it hurts too badly, so grabbing a camera is impossible...)

And then the 40-week photos... I actually do look smaller than the last ones. But I do NOT feel like it.

And per request, here is a bare belly photo. Please don't cringe. My gaping scar from back surgery goes the length of my side...hot, huh? And see the indentation under the bra? That is one source of my pain of late....where my rib cage is caved in (in comparison to the other side) and probably has something to do with the pulling of my intercostal space in my thoracic ribs. Bla bla bla. Oh, and I look like crap. But this is what I am. I am a mother in the making. And a cranky one at that. ;)

If I make it to Thursday, we'll get another ultrasound to assess amnio fluid quantity and size of the bambino. So that's something to look forward to, I guess.

PLEASE let this be the last full post for awhile...please let the next one be that he's here. But at this point, I'm pretty sure I'll be induced on Monday. There are pluses to that, so I'm trying to focus on that and if it happens before then, YAY. But seriously. Can it happen before then?

At most...11 days left.

This will be quick like. Because I'm exhausted. Again.

I have actually felt pretty okay all week... better than the last week. BUT...then...last night, I hardly slept I was so uncomfy and flushed, with back pain, that I maybe made out with 3 hours of sleep...but not all at once.

I am hitting the paranoid stage... the one where every new, or possibly new, feeling is over-analyzed. A pinching pain down there that is a bit stronger than others? Is that the cramping from a real contraction? Really intense gas? Is that the diarrhea they say some women get to clean out their system before labor starts? Lower back pain (which I don't typically get)? Is that back labor? Or is it from me practically sitting up while I sleep? Not feeling too bad? Is this the surge in energy you supposedly get that leads to last-minute nesting?

Well let me tell you....all of the above paranoia has been just that. At this point, oh the eff well. I'll just plan on being induced and if he comes earlier...yay for hurrying around and packing the last of the hospital bag.

Back when I was engaged... I had a few unreasonable fears about my wedding. And one of my friends (Paige)... talked me about something she had been told once....how when you're apprehensive about something ahead of time, you need to work on visualizing yourself in that moment...and calming down while you visualize it...so eventually you can associate the "moment" of original apprehension with being calm.

I think I've achieved it a bit with portions of the labor & delivery process. It started back with the hospital tour and then got stronger after the l&d class. I can sense the serenity of being somewhere where people are there to tend to your needs. Where the physical happenings are expected, normal, and signs of progress. Where Kenny G's BREATHLESS album will be playing (don't knock it till you try it. haha It is what mom played for me in the hospital when I was 12 and I associate it with her...and anything that is like my mom in times of need helps calm me) and my husband will be there, looking wide-eyed and just as fearful, but holding my hand and being strong.

I falter in my relaxed visualization when I see my legs up in stirrups and my hu-hot wide open for the audience before me though. hahaha

So let's see...other updates:

1. In breaking news, and those who know me well will understand the weight of this confession...I said the word "poop" the other night. That's right. FIRST TIME in....I don't know how long. See, I have an aversion to that word and the word that starts with a P and means "underwear." I've gotten better at hearing people say p-double o-p, but letting the one-syllable atrocity out of my own mouth makes me shudder. But Neil made me do it. He cheered me on as I forced my brain to let go and my lips to just form and my vocal chords to throw out the childish sound. I hated it. I still do. But I think that is a step forward that needs to be taken because as much as I would love to just teach my kid that he either pees or craps....the C-word probably won't go over well with school later. And every other word for the "matter" is silly or causes others to be uncomfy. So I'm trying. Typing it was a feat in and of itself, too. haha

2. The doc appointment...here is what I found out (some based on questions I asked...)

• Dr. C doesn't recommend giving yourself an enema before going to the hospital as some women do in attempt to not crapping during labor. She said that when women do it, because it's so common, it's the same as dealing with a baby having a dirty diaper....it's normal, expected and no big deal. 
• It is normal for one ankle and foot to swell and the other to not. (My left one is swollen...not LOTS but enough to change shoe size and look silly.) Apparently, this is because the baby is lying more heavily on the veins that deliver circulation to the left side. 
• She said go for it, when I asked about her feelings on nipple stimulation. She said that and doing the deed that got us into this in the first place are the only two things that she thinks really do work, if they are going to work. 
• I've not been taking my hydrocodone at all this week because I've been nervous that if I go into labor while "drugged" it could be problematic. She said it doens't matter because it's low enough dosed that it won't affect anything...and will wear off before true labor begins. 
• If I make it to next Thursday's appointment, we'll get another ultrasound to determine the size of the baby as well as the amount of amniotic fluid. 
• The cervical exam yielded more of the same, though she said previously, my opening had been off tothe left and now it's in the center, which is favorable for delivery. And that I'm a bit more dilated, but not enough to strip membranes. I'm a bit softer, but I was already pretty effaced. And that if we're talking "stations" for how low Dub is, he's at a 0. Which is good. He is not entered into the birth canal, but he is prime for it as he's dropped as low as he can go before he does just that. (For those who don't know, read about stations here. So yay. Not much change in some ways, but still conditions are favorable for a baby to be born. within 11 days. Ha. 

3. watch the first half of this.... I wish I'd have caught the 2 minutes before this. You could literally see his  fists dragging lines up and down the belly. I wanted to hurl. He did this crazy movement for over an hour. I was not amused. 

4. This week, I've tried to have one thing a day that gets me out or distracts me. Monday, Gina came and we watched the BACHELOR. Tuesday, I had a facial (AMAZING!!!). Gina brought me lunch yesterday (THANK YOU!) and Leigh made me lunch today (LOVED the comfort food!!XO). Tomorrow...getting a pedicure. (Disclosure: I have gift certificates due to a raffle I won with "spa treatments". Cashing them all in when I need them the most. haha)

5. I think that is it. Just waiting. Every night, we say, "this could be the lat night it's just the two of us and Kramer." So far, we've been wrong. Eventually, we'll be right.

Still pregnant.

I can't wait a full week to post again! I might not even have a week. But I think I will have another 10 days. ;)

I am in a much better mood today. For starters, despite Friday night being one of the worst sleeps I've had this pregnancy (Maybe a total of 4 hours, but an hour or so at a time, then I'd awake with a NEW back pain on my RIGHT side!), I was really down Saturday morning. Neil insisted I take it super easy, so while he started inputting my tangible receipts for the biz (Sigh, I love him....) I went downstairs and set up a custom-fitted "chair" with two bean bags and watched Dexter. Kramer joined me, and we even snoozed for a bit.

I took two hydrocodones with dinner because it was to be an official date night at one of our fave restaurants: NoRTH. I knew I needed to get through the evening pain-free...for Neil's sake AND mine. Plus we had plans to see MISSION IMPOSSIBLE afterward. Somehow, I did make it through. We had a lovely time, and I teared up when we toasted to the challenges and fun that lie ahead. I have to admit, these last few months, despite the fact that we can't really even spoon thanks to my discomfort when lying on my side.... I feel the closest I have ever felt to my husband. A lot of this has to do with I think the fact that he has really pulled through for me. I want to write a post in the future about tips for guys and how to keep the bitch of a pregnant woman at bay. :) mostly so my brother can read it and make his wife happy in the final leg of their journey someday. haha

Also, Neil agreed (though I have to admit, he pouted about it first) to switch sides of the bed with me when we went to sleep. I think that my "half sitting, half lying" position has broken my side of the bed since it's been 4 months (at least) of 145 lbs unevenly distributed thanks to most of the weight landing where my butt hits the mattress. His side was definitely firmer, and it helped support my hippo-self. So get this--I slept from a bit after midnight till 8 a.m., only waking 3x to pee, and 2x to readjust, a bit stiff and sore each time, but no pain that kept me awake for hours. I cannot believe it myself!!!

So today, I am feeling better mentally too....Neil is currently grocery shopping. And I think part of my higher spirits has something to do with  the fact he's bringing me fried chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans from the store. YUMMY.

Today also marks our 8-year anniversary of dating. We had "talked" for a month before.....he came into my life when I needed him the most. I was stressed, I was on again, off again with a very tumultuous relationship that left me drained and down rather than empowered... and I was ready to grow up and date someone who valued me longer than a week at a time. He knew I was having a rough week in December of 2003...so he showed up with a pan of brownies to cheer me up. No guy had ever done something like that for me. I don't even like brownies, but who the eff cares? I ate them anyway.

The rest is history. I actually had been keeping a journal for the two years prior...documenting my heartache and my dissatisfaction with my personal life. It's crazy, but I stopped writing in it the month Neil made his move. Happiness is less of a motivator for writing than drama is, I guess.

So enough cheese...onto pregnancy updates.

Any male reading this that wishes to remain blissfully unaware of yucky things, please skip the following paragraph:

I think I lost a portion of my mucus plug last Friday. Mucus plug. Gosh, can that sound any more revolting? Why, yes it can. If it's red, it can be called bloody show. Are you kidding me? As if we're not grossed out enough about the concept, the name has to make us want to barf? I bet a man coined the term with his former frat buddies. Why can't we rename it? I vote for something like... "Cork of New Life."See? Immediately sounds lovely and less gag-worthy.

In the past month, I've also received a few reassuring emails and encouraging exchanges that aim at putting any qualms I have about parenting at ease. The weird thing is, I'm not worried about being a mom, per se. Or about Neil being a dad. I KNOW we'll be good parents. We'll stumble and fall along the way. We'll shake our head in disbelief, in confusion and sometimes fury. We'll throw our arms up and feel like walking away. But we didn't go into this knowing it's not a game of trial and error. That I'm looking forward to, oddly enough.

The biggest source of consternation on my part is the delivery itself. And I think that is fairly normal. I keep ticking them off in my head...and just think that maybe if I write them all down and share them, maybe they'll go away? Or at least I'll not feel so overwhelmed as I try to remember them all.

So here they are...in no particular order...my fears/worries about bringing our son into the world:

• the pain itself
• a long labor
• not feeling the instinctual love kick in for him (Though, someone I love dearly has assured me that if it doesn't come right away, it will come later...and make up for it. That it's okay to not be smitten fully at first. Thank you to her. ;) )
• thinking he's not cute (I had a dream last night where he came out looking like one of those exaggerated African masks...but, he latched right on to breastfeeding easily, so at least there was that. haha)
• something being wrong with him
• not having time to shower/shave before I go to the hospital (though that WOULD mean we have a fast labor...)
• crapping during labor
• being constipated after labor (and with MY other digestive issues, this could result in absolute agony because being backed up and then getting a  spastic colon is like labor out of the other end....)
• tearing "down there" (though I prefer this to being cut because quite frankly, tearing happens because your body needs to tear...cutting would be a possibly unnecessary procedure that could have been avoided or was done "too much" when not needing to) 
• fainting from the pain (I've fainted after a pap smear once)
• being weak due to my not being able to consume anything but ice chips per hospital protocol 
• the epidural (the size of the needle, the precariousness of its placement due to my steel rod, etc.)
• the epidural's effectiveness
• the vulnerability of having my legs in the air and people all up in my business 
• ending up needing a c-section (I will be fine in the end if this happens, but I'd really like to avoid another surgery, more scar tissue, longer recovery time, bonding with my kiddo, and all the risks associated with it...)
• having difficulty breastfeeding right off the bat
• going home and still having my back pain...I don't think I can be a decent mother if I'm on bedrest!

There. I feel a bit better. 

I had paused this post long enough to get my last massage... it was okay. I didn't feel like it was much different from any other massage in terms of hitting pressure points. But Neil and I also went for a mile walk before the massage...and that is the longest I've walked since June. Actually, I don't think I've walked more than a block since November due to my back probs. So not sure if it were the massage or the walk, but I am absolutely worn out and feeling lots of pressure down there. LOTS of pressure. And sharp needles of pain intermittently shoot through the region I'd rather not name. But let's get this dilation on with!!!

I need to stop worrying about when in terms of when it will be most convenient for the visitors and Neil's limited PTO. It just needs to happen, we go with the flow, and boom, we'll have a baby boy. I really am getting more excited for that part. It's been a long process in coming (I know that sounds horrible) but I want to be honest. I'm ready to meet the brute who has impacted my life so much already. And Neil is, too. Now, Kramer? That might be another story. 

38 weeks: Crabby and Drabby Darbi

 Let's start this out with a photo taken 4 days ago.....




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See my smile? Well, it's forced.
Ok, maybe I'm just saying that because RIGHT now, I'm just so crabby. It's been a stupid morning.
For starters, it snowed and is freezing. It's the first time I've said that all winter, so I know I should be thankful, but I hate winter.
Next up, there are no new things to report after the doc appt this morning. I haven't dilated any more and same effacement. And I had wanted the doc to strip my membranes, but she couldn't get into my cervix to do it because I need to be a bit more dilated. It was a VERYYYYYY uncomfy cervical exam because she tried her hardest....like nearly the level of a tonsillectomy through the down-there canal.
Then at the end of the appointment, my doctor handed me my purse and the moment when I was supposed to grab the straps was far from graceful and my nice, BPA-free water bottle fell out of the purse. And it shattered. The water bottle was the SECOND one I've purchased for $12...because the first one, Neil knocked off the counter and it broke, too! WTF. Who makes plastic products for on-the-go people and doesn't bother making it durable? Aladdin does. 
Next up, I stopped at UPS to mail back a gift my sister got for us for Xmas. It is an ipod dock that stopped working on day 2. Due to the box being that awkward size (you know, too big for any realistic small box and too small for anything huge).... i didn't have any boxes at home that would work to mail it back in...so stopped at UPS and mailed it through them. It cost me $21!!!!! The dock was only $45 to begin with! AYFKM? I just went in the hole for my own xmas gift? That is the huge downside of online shopping.

And my back was in flames by the time I got home at 11 a.m. And even though I'm lying back right now, it still is and I'm just getting crankier by the minute because there are things I need to do...while upright!! I should probably take a break from blogging or I'll come across as a you-know-what.
So I'll be back.

Ok, I'm back. Not as crabby, but now just really tired, and kinda gassy. hahaha

Anywho, so yeah, I'm mentally ready to go into labor now. I have a few things on my plate still with the biz, but at this point, I think I'd do them better if I'm not in pain or uncomfortable.

I've been reading up on the alleged methods to speed up dilation. I am eating fresh pineapple (though rumor has it that you have to eat 7 full ones to do anything... and I think at that point, it's the severe cramping and diarrhea that would inevitably follow that would start the contractions, not the mystical enzyme.)

I've considered castor oil (a client of mine recommended it and I read about it on lots of forums as working wonders) but after understanding what it does, that's a big HELL NO. I already have digestive issues, so to willingly put my body into abdominal stress via a laxative sounds absolutely dreadful. I don't need to go into labor out of any other orifice than the one that will put my baby in my arms. Besides, there is inconclusive evidence about whether it also causes distress to the baby's digestive system as moms who use castor oil have higher rates of babies who swallow their own fecal matter (meconium) which is dangerous. The reason it is admittedly inconclusive is because they don't know if it's more of a correlation because moms who take castor oil are farther along, past their due dates, more often, which increases that chance of meconium-ingesting anyway. But for me, I'll pass.

Same with primrose oil. Though it sounds pretty. Like it might make down there bloom into something beautiful for the doctors. Wouldn't that be a welcome surprise? If my "flower" had real petals or something? Ok, gross.

I am having another prenatal massage on Friday afternoon (tomorrow)...which is Friday the 13th!!!!...at which time, Natalie, my therapist is going to try to push the pressure points that supposedly induce labor. My doctor said this will help if I'm close to going, but it won't affect anything if I'm not. Either way, it's fun to try. I live for massages.

The other one I'm considering trying is nipple stimulation. I meant to ask my doc about it. I read mixed reviews on sites of varying levels of credibility. Most concur that it does indeed work to start uterine contractions. But if you overdo it, it can cause stress to your baby. So I guess if I do it, I'll just try it a tit bit. hahaha get it?

I say all of the above, but...I might be a chicken shit. Because a few nights ago after looking up all the pressure points to work on myself for the acupressure, I totally freaked out. I thought...what if I do it...and it works? EEEEK. So am I all talk that I'm ready to have this baby? Because I didn't go ahead with it. And I keep pushing back the date I will try these things. Other than the massage...and I'm wondering if it's because I know deep down it won't work.

EDITED: And before anyone else messages me with advice to have sex be aware that I too know of the alleged power of the male seed. I just didn't want to explore this option on the blog knowing male fam members read this. ;)

And on that same note of freaking out, last night I ordered a new debit card cuz my current one's magnetic stripe has lost it's magneticness. After I submitted the order (I reordered it with Kramer's darling mug on it...UMB lets you do that...and it's awesome...) it said, expect your card to be to you within 2-4 weeks. I immediately thought: OHMIGOSH...I might get a baby before I get my new card!!!! Talk about a weird feeling.

Every night around 10:15, Dub starts churning butter. (He'll do it on and off all day, but his official witching hour is late, when I'm trying to relax). And it hurts. It's like he has one set of something pummeling my cervix, shooting pinching pains of violation through my va-jay-jay and then another set of something kickboxing my belly button (where the skin is soooo stretched, and it HURTS at night due to all the pressure), and the last set of something (his feet) drawing shapes right below my right breast..sometimes just under my ribs, sometimes on them. All three movements at once make me want to hurl. I think I've said all this before, but it's all gotten worse. And Neil complains that the sounds coming out of my mouth when I go through this chop-suey tango are unnecessary. I beg to differ. They not only are NECESSARY...they are involuntary. They just come out, and they even annoy ME!
They are now the soundtrack to my life. And Dub's.

I think to make Dub's life as womb-like as possible early on, we need to get a good audio mix of the following sounds/phrases: "eeee;" "ooooh;" "owwwww;", "ohhhh, "gurgle, gurgle;", deep breathing, my shriek, Neil's: "You're crying again?"; my "I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm crying;" "ahhhhh!" and "I HATE BEING PREGNANT!!!" I bet it would work like a charm for soothing purposes to send him right back to my dark places within.

Here is a less active video.... imagine this with 5x more movements....which is what I get at night. When it's too dark to record it.

 

And then here are two photos of the madness. The one on the left is NOT a braxton hicks. He just put his rump in the air or something. The one on the right, is after I lathered myself with carrot juice*, and then had a contraction.

*Just kidding about the carrot juice. It's called tungsten lighting, you goofball.

And off to the right is a bare belly pic of me last night...I can't figure out how our skin can stretch to that capacity. It's crazy talk. And should be illegal.



LASTLY:
I have been very astounded...pleasantly so...in the amount of care I've received from other females...most of whom are moms themselves. From my sister to my mom...to my closest friends...to fellow photographers...and pals I've known since elementary school...the texts and emails and facebook messages that are rife with pep talks and commiserating acknowledgement of the challenges we, as women who want to be moms, go through....they make me cry sometimes, but they warm my heart. They do help me keep going. I have indeed had a challenging pregnancy. CAn it be worse? Oh yes. It definitely could. But man, it could have been better. Take away the back pain, and I could have at least handled it all like a champ. But having that, PLUS all the typical discomforts and digestive issues has embittered me. And I am appreciative of those who reach out to help soothe that negative feeling away. THANK YOU!!!!!!


Ok, nevermind...THIs is the last paragraph... because it just hit me once again. THIS COULD BE THE LAST BLOG POST if the massage goes well tomorrow. ;) How insane!!
I'm at that point in my pregnancy where when I call my friends or family members, they all sound disappointment after the "hello?" greeting because they realize I'm not in labor. Kinda funny.
And do me a favor tonight... if you're not over 16 weeks pregnant yourself, please lie down in bed...and truly relish how comfy you are. Lie in whatever position you please. Curl up. Cuddle with your special someone. Just relax...and know...I haven't felt that good in over 5 months. So don't take it for granted. I never will again. Xo to you all for reading along and cheering me on. I'm out.

Effacement! Swaddling! Baby bedding!

Just a few days after my last post, and I want to update again! THAT's a record! Or am I forgetting another boost of motivation I had?

For starters, at my doc appointment yesterday, dilation hadn't changed....still at 1 cm, but I am 80 percent effaced. I know these don't really mean anything in terms of gauging WHEN I'll go into labor, but at least it's progress of SOME sort. Better than nothing.

My doc said she doesn't think I'll come as early as originally thought though. Not sure why she says it, but she's saying probably closer to the due date. She gave me the option to induce a bit earlier than Jan. 24 because I told her my back pain is increasing (it's now starting at 11 a.m. and comes on fast and jolts right to a 6 on the pain scale. Yay. What joy.)... but I turned her down. I said I'm fine with inducing AFTER my due date, but that I really want to see if I can go naturally to increase chances of a vaginal birth. Being induced before the due date doubles a woman's chances of a c-section.  BUT, because of the risks involved with going beyond 41 weeks, my doctor strongly urges (and might even require) getting induced 8 days after the due date. And I'm okay with THAT. So we set a date, just to have one on the calendar IN CASE the lil' Dubber-butt doesn't decide to go easy on his mama. Jan 30 is the day. It's my mom's dad's b-day. Grandpa Sy. He passed away a few years ago. But if I have to go really late, I think sharing a birthday with him would be cool for my son. :) I told my grandma today on the phone (and tried to make it clear that I *most likely* will go earlier than that...) but she teared up anyway and said she was touched. Thought that was cute.


Last night, I practiced swaddling. We had learned it in our newborn care class, and Neil got so frustrated that he actually tossed the baby doll against the wall. One other guy saw it and cracked up. Neil had been trying to be funny, sort of, but I was a bit embarrassed. So I was bound to learn how to do it so I can teach him. The key is to not use those twerpy receiving blankets they give you at the hospital. I think these will look NEATER when I have an actual baby to wrap up. Plus animals don't offer enough sturdiness to wrap against.

And then on to the most exciting news. The baby room is as done as it can be for now....we still have to get a cushion for the window seat and then curtains....but I think we'll do that this spring. Just too much $$ being shelled out elsewhere.

Here are links to a few of the people that made what is in the baby room.

1. The Abacus (this was actually made by my brother and my dad. They were awesome for doing it for us. I originally got the idea from CB2.com because they sell an abacus for $149. But it looks cheap and I'd have had to paint the beads anyway. But then my friend sent me a link to her friend's baby blog and she and her husband had made their own abacus after seeing the same CB2 one! So Dad and Troy followed the directions and made one for us!!!! SO grateful to Jenny for posting her directions. THOUGH...I do want to note, dad and Troy said after doing it, they could have probably done it an easier way...so if any of you end up trying to do it, let me know and I'll ask them what they'd have done differently.

2. The baby bedding. I struggled to find something I liked. When I decided on the original color scheme of white, grey and orange, I couldn't find ANYTHING that matched it that wasn't either too babyish or way to expensive. And even then, I didn't find anything that matched anyway. I could find orange and browns, but not the grey. All the stuff I liked that wasn't in that color scheme was a good $600 or more! For 3-4 pieces! That's ridiculous in my opinion. So when I came across this shop on Etsy.com, I was smitten with not only her quality, but the prices. We paid about $300 and got 7 pieces...and all of it is custom. I decided to branch out a tad with the colors and we also brought in some yellow and aqua. We got 2 bedding sheets, 2 changing pad covers, a bed skirt, a small quilt and a bumper, Now, granted, the bumper won't really be used for awhile, but for photos, it's darling right now. :)  And the quality of hte fabric is killer. SO soft and durable. I was pleasantly surprised.

3. The bookends... my only complaint is I wish I'd have noticed the price on the shipping beforehand. They were $30 , and then another nearly $20 to ship cuz the maker is in Canada. But they are cute. However, they aren't very heavy, so they kinda suck at actually holding up a lot of books. So we're just doing a few at a time on the dresser.

4. The W on the door, and the two lil' initials on the dresser...special shout out to Lara for using those at our baby shower and then we are reusing them for decor. :) LOVE THEM.

5. The prints above the crib and on the closet wall and abacus wall are from this talented artist. (Only warning: the actual prints on the 8.5x11 paper are an odd size....since it doesn't fill the 8.5x11, I got an 11x14 frame and then an 8x10 opening and just cut off a portion of the sides. Or maybe I did something other than that...but I had to improvise because even an custom matt would have been so odd with the fact that there are weird margins around the actual image.

6. The baby book that Neil got me for Christmas... is from this shop. I can't wait to have info to actually put in it.

7. I've ordered a reversible storage container to go on top of the dresser/changing table, but it won't be here for another 2 weeks. I will update when I get it, but it's from this shop and is the grey chevron on the outside and then an orange and white design inside. It kinda looks like the one at the link, but no dividers.

8. The rocker is from USA BABY, but is the brand BEST CHAIR. We love it. Tons of fabric options. :)

9. The light switch cover is a gift from Neil's mom... from here.  It matches our changing table fabric. :)

The lamp is from Gordman's... the crib is from Walmart (the Lauren model of the Graco line....the dressers are Ashley furniture, but discounted....let me know if I left anything else off??? 

So I'll stop yapping and just post pics now already.











Now all we need is the baby!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!

37 weeks: FULL TERM, YAY!

To start things off, I'd like to say how interesting I found it that following two posts ago...(the really long one)...I was shocked at the outpouring of support I got through email/comments/Facebok etc regarding something that I had kinda written about as an afterthought for the blog post. I always think it's cool to see what about a blog post sticks out to the readers. Apparently, the breastfeeding paragraph resonated with most. So Thank you to all who reached out.... and will definitely keep you posted as I'm sure I'll have opinions that need to be shared as my own journey begins...and ends. ;)

Now...on to this week. Very excited that I'm officially considered full-term. Dub would fare very well should he be born now. So that's a huge sigh of relief. (But when thinking of the to-do list that is sitting heavily on my shoulder, I'm hesitant to cheer his arrival on yet...)

Also..I should really write these blogs at 4 a.m. when I am writhing in discomfort and feeling very cynical and feisty. I think the honesty would actually come out and maybe be a bit more enlightening when the emotions are so raw. I tend to be more eloquent when I'm embroiled anyway. But instead, I write this as I'm lying on the couch...my back hurting (duh)...feeling very sleepy...but too mentally garbled to close my eyes. So I'll do a blog post and maybe feel a small sense of accomplishment for the personal aspect of my life.

So, I'm at my wit's end with comfort.
After 5 p.m., I get really cranky and at bedtime, I cry. Mostly because you go through your day thinking the hard stuff will come to an end when you go to bed and rest and relax, but really, I feel the worst then, so I break down and get really bitter that Neil is lying there next to me all comfy and curled up and able to do whatever he wants to do with his torso. But oddly enough, and I really do think Neil would agree, as much as I'm cranky, I tend to not be a raging bitch so much as a blubbering fool with tears....again. haha. Neil responds better to tears than snapping, so I think that's probably a good thing.  

Neil and a friend of mine's husband brought up the recliner we have in our basement to the ground floor in hopes that I can sleep there on the really rough nights.

Last night was one of those. I fell asleep no problem, but then woke up with my butt throbbing all over again. I think this will be the way it is for the next XXX days till the lil' guy arrives. And no, I'm not okay with that, but let's move on.

As I mentioned in the last blog post, I'm having a hard time truly savoring all the "lasts".... I'm one of those people who wants to know something is going to be the last time before I start experiencing that last time. Like...if it's the last chip in the bag, and I didn't know it...I get really upset that I ate it without knowing.

So I find myself doing that for everything....and mostly Neil has to listen to the dramatic reminders.

Neil, this could be the last time you and I watch a movie with just the two of us
Neil, this could be the last time we go to bed and are able to read together before we turn out the lights.
Neil, this is the last New YEar's where we won't need a baby sitter for the next 15 years! ;)

And so forth.

Like, my pal Audrey came down last week...she got in Wednesday and left Friday. We honest to goodness hardly did anything worth noting, other than the fact that doing nothing was what we wanted to do and therefore noteworthy. The entire time, I was thinking, this is really the last time it'll ever be just her and me hanging out for three days straight doing nothing without either of us caring about anything but that moment. It was bittersweet to hug her goodbye...this ball of sunshine whom I've been pals with since junior high. I was so thankful she took the time to come down and distract me. And for eating the majority of my cookies so I didn't have to take on that responsibility myself. ;)

Our fab maternity (and birth!!) photographer posted a blog of our maternity pics last week, too. That was exciting. It reminded me how darling Neil is...and his grey in his hair just adds to it. ;)
Go here if you've not seen them yet.

I am tempted to post photos here of our baby room thus far because it's 90 percent done, but since the bedding is on its way to us this week, I am going ot hold off and do it all at once next week. But I have to admit, it's very cute....and not super babyish, which was my whole goal. So hang tight for those.

My current largest source of stress is actually in the planning category. If you know me well, you know I have to plan everything out ahead of time. I will say, I've done surprisingly well with everything this pregnancy in terms of going with the flow as much as possible. But now that we have the finish line in sight, it seems my apprehension is increasing ... family and friends are already talking about when they can come visit. And of course, I'm just as eager...but also as clueless...as to what the answer is. I have eight "groups" of individuals that want to come stay with us and see Dub. I think 90 percent of them have to come on the weekends. That's TWO MONTHS of weekends wiped out to hosting people. Granted, I want them all to come. And I want to show off our wee one. But I've been told over and over by those who have birthed before me that they regret being so inundated with visitors in the beginning. Plus, Garmin's policy with dad's taking time off after their baby is born sucks. DO YOU HEAR ME, GARMIN??? You're not very family-friendly!!!

Neil has to use his PTO time... he can only use FMLA (unpaid leave) if he drains his PTO. And PTO time being so limited as it is, we can't completely take it all away as you never know what emergencies might come up etc. So he figures he can swing taking off 4 or 5 days. After that, his only time with the baby will be in the evenings and on weekends. But not if those weekends are all about sharing with loved ones, ya know?

So yes, it's a bit stressful trying to get all that worked out without knowing when he's coming...and without offending others. My family and Neil's family have first dibs of course. After that, I guess we'll play it by ear.

Last week, I actually did have an evening where I freaked out a bit that labor was imminent. It was the first night after Audrey got here... we had gone to dinner, but had to walk between places down at the Plaza because our first choice was wayyyyy tooooo busy (a 90 minute wait on a Wednesday? are you kidding me, Brio?) Then after dinner, we wanted to swing by the H&M as we'd not done so yet. Mid-browsing, I started getting lots of Braxton HIcks and also intense digestive pain...and flushed face...out of breath... nausea and a bit of dizziness. Looking back, I think it all came on because I "overdid" it, which makes me laugh...because I hardly had been out and about, but I guess being moving that late in the day after being on so much bedrest for months is a huge change??? Needless to say, I didn't go into labor. We had to leave though...but not before we scored a super cute and nerdy lil' vest for Dub to wear NEXT winter. (We can't buy clothes that are for younger than 9 months becuase we have way too many as is. haha)

Two photos from last Thursday (so several days behind, and I know for a fact I'm larger now (but too lazy to get up and take a new belly pic right now) because the sweater I wore that day doesn't fit anymore!!! And I gained 2 lbs, which brings me to a total of 22 lb gain. Woot.

But look! I was finally able to balance hot tea on the belly!!! I've officially arrived. ;) 

To end on a light note.... Friday, after breakfast with Audrey before she left, I was in a pretty good mood. I had cried when I hugged her goodbye, but because Audrey had pampered me with constant coo-ing over my belly for two and a half days...and telling me over and over how cute I look (which I don't fully agree with, but let's be honest, I love hearing it these days since I feel anything but) and even CRYING herself when she'd feel Dub juggling handkerchiefs inside of me... I was on a good pregnancy high. So I decided to go to Hy-Vee and see about getting crab legs for Neil's and my New Year dinner. What happened there inspired me to write a letter to the grocery store chain. I'll just copy and paste below the letter I sent.... hope you get a kick out of just how REAL pregnancy brain is.

Dear Hy-Vee,

I just wanted to share with you that the staff at the Hyvee in Leawood, KS on Stateline Rd was delightful today. I am 9 months pregnant and haven't been feeling very well lately. I went in to Hy-Vee to see how much crab legs would be for my husband's and my last New Year's Eve with just the two of us. The two guys behind the counter (one was a more fatherly figure and the other was a young lad) were extremely helpful and sweet and asked all about my pregnancy and showed they cared. They also twisted my arm and convinced me to splurge and get the crab legs on special. After I got the goods….another man who was stocking the freezer section was very helpful in finding me where the pierogies were kept...he too was chatty and very genuine when asking about the coming baby. He even proudly showed me photos of his new granddaughter. I was in a great mood by the time I checked out. Apparently, I was in such a good mood that I paid my $40 and left...without taking the bag of groceries. I realized it before I had gotten more than a block, so headed back to retrieve them. The cashier didn't know what happened to the bag either and admitted that the person who had been behind me must have gotten the bag instead. I felt a bit like crying (remember, I'm pregnant) but she soothed me by saying to go get the stuff I had purchased and show my receipt to customer service. But first, I had to go back (with my tail between my legs) and reveal my foolishness to the seafood guys. I felt so sheepish. But the man was so understanding and told me to not worry about it. After he wrapped up the second trio of crab legs for me that day, I went to get the other items on my list. By the time I got to the front, the seafood counter man was there, alongside other Hy-Vee staff members and the cashier. They waved me down and informed me that the bag of groceries was found in a cart in the parking lot. (This actually stumped me as I had not used a cart during my trip there...so apparently, the person behind me left the goods out there after realizing they weren't his/hers.) Regardless, it was quite a sight to be flagged down by 3 or 4 smiling Hy-Vee employees. They took back the goods I had just newly picked up and gave me my original bag of purchases. All of them were so sweet and didn't make me feel stupid (though I still did feel dumb...another pregnancy moment haha). The seafood man even offered (jokingly) to walk me to my car and make sure the crab legs got there safely. I had to laugh. I waved farewell to all of them (dare I say I almost was sad to go? Haha) and was very thankful everyone had been so nice to me. Now, granted, much of their understanding could maybe be attributed to my being pregnant (let's be honest...we treat the elderly and pregnant people with a bit more kindness than the young and not-ready-to-bust) but regardless, I left with a funny story to tell as well as positive feelings toward everyone there. (AND YUMMY CRAB LEGS!!) I hope my commendation gets passed along to the managers at that branch so they know that their staff’s kindness and good-humor was much appreciated--by me...as well as by my husband. Also, I know I’m pregnant and married, but please let Curtis Stone know that he is positively beautiful. Your marketing department was brilliant in making him “the” face (and sexy accent) of Hy-Vee. 

I should note, I sent this Friday night at 7:30 p.m. and would you believe that someone responded at 8:15 p.m. already? And they were super sweet...saying they are so glad I took the time to pass along good thoughts, they will share with the staff at the Hy-Vee, and then also said she had a baby in September so congratulated me ... and gave me the advice I've never gotten before (NOT!!)....to sleep now. (ha, like I don't know that... ;) ) But yeah, thought that was sweet. So props to Hy-Vee. And also ... the King Crab Legs were absolutely divine.

With that, Happy New Year!

(And yes, as I sign off, I do really think: Readers, this could be the LAST time I blog pre-birth! hahah)