Good golly, 1 month old!

I made it through the first month of motherhood. And Weston made it through the first month of life outside the womb. That's HUGE.

I still need to post the birth story...about how my lil' blonde fussball got here and why it sucked so much. I had originally been waiting to document it until my feelings about it were a bit more grounded, when I didn't feel overwhelmed with the need to cry as I remembered the pain. But now that it has been this long, I'm going to wait until his first birthday. JUST KIDDING. But my lovely photographer/good friend Leigh will be getting us the photos of the monumental day soon, so I think I will wait until I have those so the verbal story can accompany the one in photos.

But briefly stated...Dub...now known as his given name of WESTON JAMES... was born at 7:48 p.m. on Monday, January 30. Even before he exited the womb, the tiny jerk already was in cahoots with his dad by thwarting my plan to be able to have finish labor in time to watch the Bachelor with my mom in the hospital room that night (it started at 7 p.m.). Sigh.

He weighed 8 lbs, 11 oz, and was 21 inches long. Quite a bit bigger than expected.

Here is a pic of me as a newborn (10 lbs, 5 oz). I'd love to show Neil's but his parents have yet to send me one. :(   (sniffle, sniffle...)

This is us just after he was cleaned up a bit. I think he looks like his grandpa--my father in law.

the entire fam.....

Then he got his official bath.

 

Him with a stuffed animal from Grandma and Grandpa (my parents)... Silas, the lion.

 

The first day home, being held by daddy.

 

 How darling is this? All three of my boys conked out.

 

Proud grandma.

 

Proud grandpa. (I think they look alike here...)

 

He looks so long and lean.

 

Oh yes, he shall be a mama's boy. Pure joy on his face. RIGHT?

 

HIs 2nd bath. (The first one, we have a video of it....HERE....as my mom notes in her play-by-play commentating, it's nearly more interesting to watch Neil and me, than Weston.) 

 

So here I am. 4 weeks since I officially became a mom. Parenting thus far is just as I expected. Some parts absolutely suck. Other parts are mundane. And then there are the more infrequent moments when the feeling that I'm responsible for the life of such a darling, innocent human who is half me and half the man I love overcomes me and I literally choke up and my heart surges and my tears (who are no strangers to my cheeks) threaten to fall.

The first week was hell. Physically, I felt broken, as I were dying. I had a 2nd degree tear for starters. And added to the stress that a vaginal birth has on the body, especially a weak one after having been on bed rest for the majority of the last 3 months, as well as the pure exhaustion from not having slept more than 3 hours a night the week before the birth, 0 hours the eve of the induction, and then 45 minutes over the course of the 3 days in the hospital... I was in bad shape . I won't elaborate on the woes of the hospital stay until the birth story...but we were released late on Thursday. We got home around 9 p.m.

What a HORRID time to go home. I do not recommend it. Neil and I were overwhelmed as it was, to be entrusted to leave the hospital with such a fragile being in our charge. But to do that all when it was nearly bedtime....yeah, that didn't make for a night of success.

We started out trying to put Weston down in the cradle my grandma slept in in our bedroom. But then we realized Kramer was trying to join him. So we brought up the pack n play. Kramer started to try to get in that too. Then I was so uncomfy in our bed, so we moved to the living room and put Weston in the Pack n play and prayed Kramer would behave. Neil slept on the floor, and I got the couch. I didn't sleep cuz I could hear every sniffle from Weston. Neil had it easier, but then Weston would wail. We went through all the reasons he would cry, then when he settled down, we tried to sleep. Rinse and repeat. I got no sleep and literally felt like I was dying from sagging eyelids. The misery in those first few days really is unparalleled.

Then my mom and dad came. They were a wave of much-needed sanity, comfort and help. Mymom right away demanded that we sleep in our bedroom and put Weston in his room. BEST DECISION WE MADE THUS FAR! (We found out he doesn't soothe well flat on his back, so at the recommendation of our friend Lara, we used the Fisher Price ROCK N PLAY as it tends to keep him snug and a bit upright....he still is sleeping in it at night and we are going to attempt the transition out of it soon....)

We slept! And my mom took one shift a night. God bless her. I could write a whole blog post on how much my mom saved me. So I'll try to keep it short. But suffice it to say that just as much as she gave birth to me over 30 years ago, she breathed new life into me a week after I had my own baby. I was so down and out...so lacking anything close to the ME that I once was. Worn down, in pain and feeling helpless and hopeless. And poor Neil...with his own exhaustion, having to deal with my breakdowns. I literally couldn't keep my eyes open without them crossing. It really was a horrible way to parent. haha

So over the course of the 2nd week of Weston's life, I got back on my feet as much as a new mom could. My own mom cleaned up the mess in my wake and took over anything that I couldn't muster. I was finally able to fall in love with the gift that was bestowed upon us, even if the gift came in a very painful way. Seeing my mom so head over heels in love with him only made me more appreciative of his tiny-ness. I was a proud mommy. And quite relieved that for all my worries, Neil and I produced a cutie!

She also pushed us out the door (okay, so she just merely mentioned it and we jumped at it...) to go on a date 8 days after he was born. As we were pulling out of the driveway, I asked Neil...."Are you nervous about leaving him home with her?"

He laughed and said, "No.... I trust him more with her than us!"

So true. I know lots of parents can't fathom leaving their newborn with anyone for a month at least...but it really wasn't hard to do. I didn't even really miss him at dinner! haha Not in a mean way...we talked about him, but we weren't hurried and it felt wonderful to be eating dinner with just the two of us after having just begun the next leg of the longest and hardest journey together. The glass of wine wasn't bad either. 

Parenting really does, for the most part, come naturally. It didn't take long before Neil and I were judging our own self-worth on the loudness of Weston's burp after a feeding, sharing high fives over quick diaper changes, or started seeing a pattern with his days and nights....our son had horrible bewitching hours of 10 p.m. to 2 a.m.

Yep, for the first 2.5 weeks of life, Weston wouldn't go to sleep for the night before 2 a.m. We would start the process around 10 p.m....feeding him...changing him (he would pee or do #2 right after)....swaddling him...rocking him.... and then he'd be wide awake and 2 hours later need to be fed...so we'd have to rinse and repeat. Then he'd sleep till 5 or 6 a.m... go through the entire hour process of putting him down...and then he'd be out for another 3-4 hours. Gradually, we have been able to flip him a bit and he now (as in, at the time of this post) will go down by midnight or so, sleep till 3 or 4 (rarely, 5) and then need to be played with/fed/changed/reswaddled and two hours later, he'll begin the 2nd 3-4 hour shift of slumber. This makes for not that great of sleep for moi. Neil takes the first shift...so he is typically in bed and asleep by 12:30 a.m. Then he gets up for the day at 6:30 a.m. Not toooo different from the pre-baby days. Not so for me because even if I am in bed by 10 p.m., I will not fall asleep fully until after Neil joins me because I'm on what I now call "mama's edge." It's the highly aware state of being, even when incredibly relaxed, when you can hear your baby's cries, congested breathing, or sloppy pacifier-sucking from the other room. And then I'm up at 3 or 4 or 5...and up for 2 hours...before I can come back to bed...for another 3 or 4 hours. So I get a total of up to 6 hours of sleep....but in increments. Like napping. And so is the story of new mothers (and fathers) everywhere.


Update on my back pain....it's still here, though only half as bad. It *seems* that ibprofen (which you can't take when pregnant) helps alleviate the pain the most. I am going to be going to an ortho specialist once Weston is in day care.

Many are curious how breastfeeding is going. So let me tell you. My colostrum came in while in the hospital, but Weston was super lazy and a horrible latcher. So we supplemented that 2nd day at what seemed to be the urges of our pediatrician and nurses. My goal out of the hospital was to do 50/50 with breast milk and formula because it was clear within 3 days that the dedication it takes to exclusively use the boob juice was something I did not have. I don't have to be an all or nothing person... I was quite content to do what I could, but to not strain myself and push it to a point where I felt too much pressure to be the milk machine as that would only further my spiral down after an already rough pregnancy and godawful labor. A month later, I think we might be closer to 40-60 as Weston still is a very lazy eater and it seems that after an hour of breastfeeding (he falls asleep every few sucks and I have to do all the tricks in the bag to get him to continue eating) he isn't as full as he is after drinking 3.5-4 oz of formula. I pump 2-3 x a day so we can still give him boob booze from a bottle if needed as then we can actually tell how much he's getting. It is indeed a hassle. And with all the other hassles involved in being a parent, sometimes, it's okay to do away with one. So I'm still trying, but I don't expect to cross the finish line of any breast milk advocate out there. And I really am okay with it.

The last ped appt revealed he was back to almost his birth weight...one oz shy....he's already had a diaper rash. Woohoo! Off to a good start. ;)

So as I said, it's pretty much all as I expected. No more glamorous and no more horrific than we anticipated. I think I am going to attempt to document things we've learned about Weston in 2nd person, so that someday, if I'm every feeling motivated, I can compile them all into a book for him and not have to rewrite. Or maybe I'll just send him the URL because surely this day and age, kids learn how to surf the web at age 2, right?

To my wittle Weston...


SLEEP
You have this way of falling asleep that gives us another reason to relish your slumber aside from the opportunity to get something done or rest ourselves. Your eyes start to flicker, and they look up and down and sideways...blinking and winking in between. Sometimes it's creepy how they roll back in your head with the lids still open. But mostly it's endearing because it always seems like you're in on some jolly joke. Especially when that little mouth of yours starts to open and close like a little bird, and then it grows into a smile of mirth. I get giddy watching the process. I was able to film one such interlude.....I will attempt to get more , but for now, this should do.

HANDS
Your hands are your best friends and worst enemies. They are always on the move when you're awake and sometimes even when you're asleep. With your eyes shut, you often cup your chin, or tuck them under your cheek, or hold them straight out like a zombie. They are why you hate to be swaddled, but why we HAVE to swaddle you. We could probably put you to sleep faster if you weren't wrapped up in a straightjacket, but you stay asleep longer when they are bound inside. They get in your way while you're so very hungry. You get so excited when the nipple is nigh, that you squirm with them in front of your little lips, sometimes putting one in your mouth. Or they get a bit rough when I am breastfeeding you. You just can't let them sit at your side. I have to hold them down so we don't have any unnecessary pain administered to my chest. You LOVE your Wubbanub pacifiers. We get all warm and fuzzy watching you clutch to them as if you know you need them. For all your hands do for you, it makes me wonder...what will you do with them someday.

HAIR
You have fair and fine blonde hair. I was shocked to see this as I expected a dark haired cherub like your daddy. But the blondeness was a surprise and I've come to look at the golden tufts fondly, knowing deep down you probably won't stay blonde, it's kinda cool to see that bit of me in you in the beginning.

CARE-FREE
You, like most babies, have no inhibitions when it comes to making expressions, even if they result in making you look silly, or homely, or downright scary. You rock that double chin of yours when you push your head back, and you don't seem phased by the fact that your parents oftentimes just watch and laugh AT you. I think being a baby at this stage is like being wasted beyond your wildest dreams. You are so clumsy in your movements, but forceful and belligerent at times. You can't help but relieve yourself whenever you feel like it. You make no sense with the small sounds, loud-ass cries and gobbly-gook expressions and you'll have NO recollection of any of the memories later in life. But we will. :)

HIGH-STRUNG

You are eager and easily excitable when it comes to food. As the bottle is taken away so we can burp you, you breathe so heavily I think sometimes you might pass out. Then you start your wimpering, which turns to a wail. We find it easier to get a belch out of you when we sit you up and pat your back or lean you over the boppy pillow. You HATE us at this point and turn into a curmudgeon of an old man, your tiny, long-fingered hands all tenaciously grasping at the air, curled up, as your face folds into baby wrinkles. Sometimes, I call you my Sharpei Puppy. (My mom thinks this is offensive...but I think Sharpeis are darling creatures...) After breastfeeding, you are quite a different burper. You're just as lazy off the nipple as you are on it...and usually fall asleep, your face smothered in the boppy and your body slack and drunkenly content. I love this about you. Here is proof of the effects of my breast milk on your energy levels.

WINDY (as the Brits say...)

You are very gassy. You fart nearly as much as your breathe. And your flatulence is high on the bad-odor scale, let me tell you. Sometimes you wig out and go all rigid for a few minutes, nearly screaming. While we try to assess which of your needs is up next to be met, you will suddenly let loose and blow your steam out of the end pipe. And then you're quiet. While we enjoy the peace at the end of the release, we are not so fond of the pressing need to plug our noses. 

MODELING

I did a photo shoot with you that 2nd week, and then again the 3rd...and then again that week when my friend Lara visited. I apologize now for the high expectations your photographer-mommy will have for you to help me make great photos. I put a lot of pressure on you to perform and look cute...but also on myself. A photographer needs to have good photographers of her own family, too....you understand, right? Here are a few... (NOTE TO READERS: the one on the sled is taken by Lara, though I watermarked it with my biz name cuz let's jsut put it this way...I don't want photos of my son to be swiped up and used elsewhere. But LARA TOOK THAT ONE! I am not linking to her site because to be honest, I don't want to have this blog show up when people are hunting for her online. So if you want her Web site, comment and leave your email and I'll send it to you. And...my friend Jana took the much-loved pic of ME with him.)  A fave for all time, I'm sure, because this was a smile before he smiled knowingly. I will have way more to share, but I don't have lots of time to process said images. 

STRENGTH

You are too strong. You have been from within the womb and even more so now. Your limbs can knock the wind out of us. I might shoot your dad a look of contempt when he's holding you and you kick him in the stomach and he says, "Man, stop kicking me, that hurts." Because, my lil' Dub, you did that to me ALL THE TIME from inside..and though your dad might have "listened" to me complain, he didn't truly sympathize. I think he gets it now. And as I mentioned above, your arms are a force to be reckoned with. We have had a few battled with them, and lost. Rare is the morning when I go in to see you when at least one arm hasn't conquered the swaddling embrace. And let's talk about your neck strength! Holy cow! That first day I held you, you were popping that lil' noggin of yours up from my chest. YOu might have done it without grace, but you did it nonetheless over and over. And now, you hold it up easily. Oh, and at 12 days old, you rolled over from your tummy to your back...4x. And have done it several times since. You tend to be a bit flustered when you do it, sometimes even vehemently crying, but you do it nonetheless. I am sure it's not exactly intentional, but once you DO intend to roll, I am pretty sure you won't be wasting any time. 

TEMPERAMENT

You have tantrums a lot. We think it's gas pain mostly, but regardless the reason, soothing you is a must or we'll pull our hair out. The best way to soothe you is to plug you up with that pacifier and then hold you close to my chest, up and down so we are tummy to tummy and shhhhhh you. You fit so well in that spot. I think I am  happiest when you are curled up, making me warm, smelling like the baby you are (not the farts, mind you...) and quietly sucking away at the binky, or breathing softly through that nose of yours. I love caressing your soft skin and tickling your ears and looking at the little lines on your feet and hands and thinking how they will grow with you, as your life unfolds within the loving home we provide you. I love to quiet your fussiness with soft incantations of all the things I love about you... "mommy loves your head, mommy loves your eyes, mommy loves your cheeks..." and kissing the mentioned body part as the period at the end of the assertion. It brings me joy to know you need me and that you WILL eventually love me. 

GUMMY GRINS

One of the most joyous moments was the 10 minutes on February 22 when you reacted to my voice in a way that you hadn't before. YOu smiled. Sure, I'd seen you smile as you drifted off to la-la-land before...but you hadn't been filled with glee in your open eyes as a reaction to me. This was amazing. I am so thankful my phone was near so I could catch it. 

And now, you tend to have a smile-fest once a day at least. This is one of my fave pics of you I've gotten thus far. I can just tell you're going to be ornery and sassy and quick-witted. 

BATHS

Lucky us, we think you actually like to get cleaned and LOVE being clean. When we give you baths, you now are calm...you might wimper a bit, but daddy knows how to keep you warm with continuous pouring of warm water on your tiny body. I am the washer. I gently suds up your crevices and soft parts....I try to be oh-so-gentle, and I love the intimacy of knowing afterward, we are the reason you are going to smell so good and be so cozy feeling. Now..your first bath was a different story. Grandma Gibson was there to document it....and as she narrates, it might be more amusing to watch/listen to your dad and I as we take on this precarious task. (It is kinda scary the first time because babies are indeed slippery when wet!!)

CRIES

EArly on, I fell in love with your cries. Later they annoyed the socks off of me...but I still am quite fond of all the variety you have in the only way you know how to communicate. (And for the record, that Dunstan Baby Language is for the birds...MY baby...and other babies whose mothers I ask...does not make the "neh," "heh" or "owh" sound.... he only says "Eh"... and "AHHHHHH!!!" He can't always have gas!!!) This recording is my favorite and I'm so thankful I captured it because it was replaced the next week with one a bit less desperate sounding. I called this your Whipper-Whirl cry. When you let it loose, I sometimes wanted to NOT comfort your needs because I loved hearing it, though at the same time, it made me want to cry with you because it sounded so terribly pitiful. 

Now, my favorite cry is the  one where you throw your head back, eyes closed, mouth open in what almost loks like a smile if I didn't hear you... and you say, "Heh, heh, heh" repeatedly. I hope someday you'll end up laughing like that. 

FURRY FRIEND

Kramer has been amazing with you, his new little brother. Well, it's not like he will soothe or babysit you in our absence. But he will inspect you, this floundering little thing that makes a lot of noise. I think you two will end up being great pals. If this is any indication...

FAVORITE THINGS and MISC NOTES:

You currently are wearing 0-3 mo clothes, though some NB sized things still fit. 

You currently eat 3.5 (sometimes 4) oz. per feeding, every 2.5-3 hours. 

Nicknames that have surfaced: Fussbucket (by mom); Little Shark (by dad); Buddy Boo/Buggaboo (by mom); Westy Roo (by mom)

Most likely first words if you could talk right now (based on what you hear most often these days): Hi, hello!; It's okay! It's alright!; Pipe down, Willis!; Did you hear that? (when he farts); Seriously? You're hungry again?; Oooh! Oooh! I think he smiled!" 

You hate being wet. If you have a wet diaper, watch out. 

You have learned to copy mom and dad. Most notable: sticking your tongue out after we do repeatedly. 

Fave bottles: Tomme Tippee (slower to come out and closer to the nipple in size)

Fave blankest: Aden & Anais (the bamboo ones, but don't wash with velcro!!!)

FAve position: tummy time!!!

Fave song: "My name is bigfoot" (created and directed by daddy...mommy needs to get this recorded!!!)

Fave time of day: happiest in mid morning/lunch time

Loves: the car seat, Wubbanubs, watching the reflection in the TV; hearing mom and dad bicker over who should change the diaper

Looking forward to this next month of smiles, memories and snuggles, Weston. We love you so much already. Cannot wait to see how much stronger that love grows as you learn to truly connect with us and the world around you.

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I will post his official one-month pic later this week, as well as his weight! We can't do it ALL today. haha

But here is a fave from some snappings around the home as he offers the photo ops....

In closing...

I asked Neil tonight at dinner, as we celebrated surviving our first month of parenthood, what has been the most surprising part of being a dad. He didn't say the exhaustion (cuz honestly, that was drilled into us beforehand by all the parents who thought we didn't know that or something...). He didn't say the responsibility. He said that he never expected to be so happy over such little things as... a loud burp... a tiny smile... a coo-ing sound...eye contact. 

For me...I am most surprised that everyone was right about one thing I didn't think was possible.... I really am okay with getting another being's boogers, spit and pee on me. :)  Ooh, and the fact that you can repeat words over and over and make a conversation by accentuating different syllables like "hi and hello..." or.... "you're okay, you're alright......" Are we telling him or us??? hahah

In the moments when I can see why women lose their minds in their newfound roles, I take a few deep breaths and remember one thing...in line with the same thing that Neil told me the night we found out we were expecting.... The girls on TEEN MOM somehow pull off being a mom (albeit not the best of ones). By golly, I can DO this!