But I am who I am.
And I am pregnant.
Holy gosh. As some background, Hubs and I had the goal first and foremost to make it to another country before we considered starting a family. Hubs and I also were equally as ambivalent about taking the jump/hump. I have never had that burning, or even tingling, sensation that rocks so many women to their core...you know the one that says, "Me woman. Me want baby. NOW!!!" I am kinda of sad that I've never felt it, but I'm knocking on 30's door and I know that with my bad back problems (which I'm sure you'll hear more about later) and the obstacle of a job that makes it pretty impossible to give birth or be too large during a huge chunk of the year, we needed to get moving on the baby-making scheme. Hubs himself has always been a fan of trying to make a baby--and failing. So this was going to be something new.
So we conquered our first goal....went to Italy. We came back. And we just found out on May 20 that the promise of trying lots went out the window. Along with it went my dreams of sipping Corona with lime on the deck this summer.
I had started getting suspicious by the end of this last week because oddly enough, since we left for Italy, I have lost 6 pounds. The first 3 I attribute to walking SO much and eating smaller portions. But the last 3 within 2 weeks have just been weird...and when I hit the weight I was pre-wedding in 2008, my eyebrows raised. Combined with some odd stomach things going on, and then as I thought more and more, I recalled several times when I've been so tired, but had no excuse...I got nervous. So I planted a seed (no pun intended) with Hubs on Thurs night to feel him out because I think when he OKed starting to "try"...he assumed we'd try for a few months. After all, so many of our friends have taken AT LEAST 2 or 3 months of trying, if not way longer, to conceive.
He did seem a bit stunned when I mentioned I thought there was a good chance. But he didn't wig out completely. That was something to hang on to! Friday, I was a ball of nerves. I had two consultations with potential clients for 2012 weddings, and in between them, Neil was meeting me for dinner.
In the past year or so, for 4-5 days before I got my period, my boobs have throbbed as if they were bruised and merely looking at them was like a swift punch to their tenderness. Friday afternoon, it hit me that my boobs had been aching even more than usual since the Thursday before...and still no period. So a preg test was a must that evening...we had decided to take one together when I got home from the last consultation.
At dinner, I brought it up because I was a mess of anxiety. And Hubs was so great--he soothed me like I never thought he would by saying we'd be fine and he'd freak out, but he'd freak out four years from now too.
I tried to find some things to look forward to in the immediate future if the test was indeed positive...and first on our list, which even got a small grin out of him, was the thought of telling his and my parents. Inside I chanted, "See? This could be fun. This could be fun. We'll be fine. I'm nearly 30. I'm old. "
After the last consultation, I got home and took a test...assuming it would be 3 minutes at least before results came through. Oh now, I hadn't even wiped when both lines were staring back at me mischievously. Holy good gosh.
Yes, it was my "idea" to start trying. Yes, I want to be a mother. Yes, I need to get pregnant by the end of the summer so as not to interfere with the two weddings on the books for next May. But geezey-peets! I had expected to have a bit more time...and fun...and yearning...BEFORE the two lines changed our lives forever.
Hubs immediately opened his arms to me and while hugging me he said the things every man should write down and say to the ones they love when the same results happen..."We're totally fine! We can do this. People do this everyday!"
And then we giggled. And then it still didn't seem real.
We sat on the couch that night afterward, which is something we rarely, if ever do, together because we never want to watch the same thing, or he alleges he can't see the TV if he's on the couch so he opts for the floor closer to the box, or I have a laptop working at the same time. But we just sat there and in a quite comical fashion, every few minutes, one of us would say something that further justified why we should be totally OK with this new development.
"We're way older than lots of people who have kids."
"We both have jobs."
"We have health insurance."
"Our families and friends will be thrilled."
"We'll be really good parents...right, Kramer?" (that's our cat. our first baby. And I promise here and now that I will never kick him to the side and be annoyed that he still wants attention after we have a real human "pet" to take care of...)
So now it's two days later, and it's not exactly setting in because I'm a logical person and I know that the growth within me is so tiny (the size of an orange seed) and that it's still as un-baby-like as it could look.
According to my own calculations based on what I believe to be the conception date because I used the Clear Blue ovulation monitor and know exactly when I was ovulating, we are going with the guess that as of today, we are 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant and the due date is around Jan. 25. (That is one day before my brother's b-day!!)
I am starting to get a bit more excited, though I'm cautious about doing so after hearing all the miscarriage horror stories.... but I think we might tell a few really close friends and our immediate families in the next week or so. And then stay mum until we're a bit closer to that beacon of light that is the end of the first trimester.
I can't even believe I'm writing all this. Other people have kids and get pregnant. But me? No way! hahaha
