I've seen and heard of it happening lots. Parents have a life. Parents have kids. Parents' new lives are all about the kids and only the kids. And then....whether they know it's happening, whether they want it to happen....parents lose their own identities.
Especially the moms.
You can tell if you're one of the moms who now is mostly defined as being "so & so's mother" if more than 2 of these apply...
1. You get asked what your hobbies are and your response is that you're too busy with So & So.
2. You have a sometimes-secret, othertimes very pronounced, desire to do something "more" with your life. Then promptly feel guilty about it.
3. You crave having more alone time. But you don't know what you'd do with it other than sleep or clean.
4. People find it even more difficult than before to buy you gifts because they can't think of what you'd like to have..other than a gift for So & So.
5. You can't remember what you did before So & So was born.
6. You never do anything socially (with YOUR friends) anymore because you can't imagine leaving So & So behind.
I think it's great that moms and dads envelope themselves in their kids' well-being. I will be one of those parents, I'm sure. I mean, have you read the post about my cat?
While devotion to our offspring is one thing, becoming smothered by who they are and sacrificing who WE are is another. And I am bound determined to not become that mom. I want my son(s) and potential daughter(s) someday to be able to describe me beyond saying I'm a great mother. I want them to be able to label my personality, name my favorite things to do, and really describe who I am as a person. As Darbi. This will of course change over time; motherhood will surely impact the me that I am since I have to become more selfless and prioritize my day-to-day lifestyle.
So as a record to myself yet again, I wanted to explain to our future loinfruit who we were before they made our lives more meaningful.
ME:
I work a lot. Too much during certain times of the year. I've gotten better at stopping my workday at 5:30ish since going full time in July 2010 with just my photography business--unless of course I have an evening shoot or am behind with fulfilling client needs. My work is my passion right now. That is easy to do when you do like your job, and also, when your paychecks are intrinsically tied to the effort you put into said passion. Having a passion for your job can be the most difficult occupation to have though, as I"m learning. It can consume you. It's hard to turn off the goals, task list and constant marketing just because I should have "clocked out" when Neil got home.
A 20th century photographer,
Edward Weston, has a quote that hit home 3 to 4 years ago when I was struggling with this very realization, but not sure how to eloquently express it. ""Photography to the amateur is recreation, to the professional it is work, and hard work, too...no matter how pleasurable it may be." This quote impacted me in several ways--and if you don't already know one of the more subtle ones, you'll find out in less than 3 months. haha
Several of my friends have amused me with their lamenting when their spouse or roommate goes out of town, leaving them alone in their home. I personally LOVE being alone. No, I don't want to BE alone. But when I am, since it's usually temporary...I relish the time. Sometimes I regret having not lived alone for even a short time, but then again, I ended up with the best roommate (pluralize that if you want to count Kramer) in the world.
I am an initiative-taker when it comes to setting up social outings with friends. (Though I've gotten a bit lazier in the past year as I've gotten busier...) I get my go-go-go attitude from my mom (or at least her side of the family.) I am not one who can easily sit still for long and do nothing. Multitasking is preferred--it's a lifestyle...though not necessarily a choice. Example: When I watch TV, I rarely am not doing something else at the time. Lately, I've been....working, emailing, Facebooking, writing this baby blog, reading up on baby products, shopping, scouring photo blogs for inspiration, stuck on Pinterest or Etsy .... or maybe I just have my phone in my hand and play lackadaisical games of HANGING WITH FRIENDS or WORDS WITH FRIENDS.
The TV shows I try not to miss in this wonderful time period are: DEXTER, WEEDS, THE BACHELOR/ETTE, PARENTHOOD, WHAT NOT TO WEAR, AMERICA's NEXT TOP MODEL, MAD MEN (if they ever get their act together...), PARKS & REC, GREY'S ANATOMY, THE OFFICE (though I fall behind), MODERN FAMILY and UP ALL NIGHT.
My favorite relaxing (as in, not working) pastime is reading, so I try to do it every night before I go to bed. I typically go through 3-4 books a month. I have several magazine subscriptions...and like most of America, I don't get to read them all, but I still love to think I will. I do try to make time to go through PARENTS magazine though because youd' be surprised how helpful that info is. And it actually gets me excited for parenting. And then of course my photography mag subscriptions are also not wasted. But Redbook and the like...tend to pile up and collect dust, and looks of disdain from my husband.
Lately, I can easily nap. This was not the case before I was pregnant. Mostly because of a) guilt and b) not able to do it with a heavy workload. NOW, I have a heavy workload, but the exhaustion wins. And the guilt? It disappeared with my feet.
Before I was so busy, I loved to find new recipes and cook. I still do this, I just don't enjoy it as much. I also have a thing for mysteries and once was able to fit in time to play computer games that put my sleuthing skills to the test. But I had to shelve my Nancy Drew dreams when the need to keep up with making a living surged.
I LOVE my phone. The iPhone really did change my life. But I don't like using it to call people. I'm not a huge texter (not compared to several peeps I know...) but I do like the email and world at my fingertips.
When there is extra money, what do I like to spend it on (cuz we all know THIS will have to change...):
Food. Love eating out. Jewelry. Nothing fancy....but go into Charming Charlie's and you've entered one version of Darbi Heaven. Hygienic products. Because it never gets old to try to look and smell and feel better...using something found in a bottle (not alcohol, ahem.) Photography stuff, I won't bore you with the deets. OH wait, you're already bored? Then don't read this! It's for ME, anyway! ;) Cheap purses...I don't need to wow anyone with a horrible logo plastered all over a bag in a tacky pattern. I love the $30 and under looks. Clothes, kinda. Though I swear, after this baby comes, I'm changing my style. I'm going to spend more on quality and get less. Rather than picking up 5 of the same sweater at Target.
I hate shaving my legs, doing laundry and cleaning in general. (This is NOT a quality I get from my mom. Well, maybe the not enjoying shaving the legs, but I'm not sure. Never really talked to her about this...but the cleaning...she LOVES to clean. You can eat off her kitchen floor at any time.)
I have a fondness for wine, though not the feeling I get the day after drinking more than 1 glass.
I am easily riled up politically because I fully disagree with half of the country. I am a proud Democrat, though it does bother me I have to bite my tongue for most things because I don't want to alienate potential and present clients.
It's not in my nature to keep my opinions to myself and sometimes, especially with Facebook a-holes, I end up letting loose. I will probably stop going on Facebook next summer other than to update my business stuff. Because if I see someone's status that essentially supports leaders who bury their sense of humanity under their large elephant foot or use religion as the reason they are siding with a platform that the Jesus they believe in would never support, I will lose it and it's too heated during election year for me to expend that energy and time on such issues.
I like writing, but I used to love it. I have started a novel...man, sooooo long ago. I need to finish it or I'll never feel content. But I really need to be able to focus on it. Good luck with that, eh? I love grammar and editing (though if you see a typo in this blog post it's because I'm hurriedly typing while lying down again and quite frankly, I don't have time to edit with a fine-toothed comb, k? thanks.)
I love spending time with my husband. I don't think we do it enough as it is...and this will surely get worse. But even just being HOME with him feels good. We don't have a tons of mutual interest when it comes to what we like to do as individuals. I'll explain his choices below. But where we do overlap on the Venn diagram of how we like spending time are with things like: trying new restaurants, playing board games or the Wii; exploring parts of the city or outskirts of it; our cat, making animal noises to get a laugh out of the other one; TV shows like Conan O'Brien, Modern Family, Burn Notice and Saturday Night Live.
Speaking of my short, dark and handsome man....
Neil works for Garmin. He's got a job that sounds really cool to most who ask, but if he were to truly explain what he does, using geographical jargon, the listener's eyes might glaze over as I'm sure mine do. He is a cartography technician...so for those who don't want to hear terms like isotrophs and whatnot, suffice it to say that he makes marine maps for the GPS units that go in boats. He really likes it, though he's not a fan of sitting all day long at a desk and doing such tedious things. HIS passions are: weather, nature, clouds and music, including drumming and guitar. Oh, and he really likes baseball and hockey and football and soccer.
To expound on the above:
If he could be anything in the world, he'd probably pick a drummer as good as Neil Peart of Rush. But realistically, though not realistically enough to be reality...he'd be employed in the meteorological sector. The Weather Channel is fascinating for him (though he now complains they show too many reality shows rather than actual weather...) and he has a man crush on Gary Lezac from NBC action news here in KC. He reads all the weather blogs that are filled with even more eye-gloss-creating terms. But friends and family know that he has a good handle at any time on what to expect in the coming days...and not only WHAT, but why. ANd not just in KC, but in towns and cities where our loved ones are. He likes to keep tabs on what is coming their way.
In that same vane (as in weather vane, hahahaha), he has recently become even more enthralled in clouds. Not just stormy ones, but any formation as they tend to give clues to what is in store. He has a cloud book, and he'll just up and leave to find a vast expanse of sky that will allow him to play Name that Cloud...with himself.
Someday, because I'm in awe and fear of tornadoes, and he is too....we joke (but in that way that could be serious) that we'll take a storm-chasing trip someday with those professional tours. With my camera and his knowledge, it'd be a bonding experience, no?
He's become an avid walker in the past several months. He likes to stop on the way home from work and roam around in nature. Sometimes I join him, but with this new belly baggage, I tend to slow him down and annoy him with my heavy panting. But we do like to talk about someday walking with our lil' Dub.
He was an amazing drummer in his "day"... right out of high school, he was in band after band. One of which actually "made it" in the underground sector,
The Juliana Theory. Then The Fold.....then
Confident Years.
Ain't he sexy?
I met him while he was a drummer in CY. I fell in love with him on stage first, and then later, as who he was when he put down his drumsticks.
One of our first pics taken together....(and this was actually on film, not digital...that is how old it is. haha)
Ahhh, the memories. The excitement. The hope that they'd make it big. Unfortunately, as talented as the band might have been, the drive to make it a business--a living--wasn't strong enough across the board, and in the end, Neil started working on plan B. and rather than majoring in clouds or music or weather (the math was too daunting for him), he chose to focus on his fascination with the land and the relationship between that and its people--geography.
So with his rockstar days and nights behind him, he has embraced the routine of the 8 to 5, and when he gets home, he likes to spend time reading more about weather, watching sports (though thankfully, sports do not consume him as they do some guys) and playing something rather nerdy, but endearing. Stratomatic. It's a baseball simulation game with dice and statistics from real years and real players. Fascinating, no? That's my Neil!
He loves healthy food, showers twice a day, is proud of the work he's done around the house in the yard and delves into independent bands, always growing his library of CDs....not mp3s. He likes the tangible. He has taught himself guitar, and though it might not be his favorite instrument to play, it lets his love for music bloom through his own callousing finger tips.
We eat dinner together every night that I don't have a session. I mostly cook, and then we either team it up to clean or I give him puppy dog eyes till he takes on that task since I slaved BEFORE we ate. We tend to go our separate ways after dinner...though still both home. Or sometimes I can convince him to play a board game with me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE board games. My favorite social gathering is a game night with snacks and wine. Neil is a great sport and goes along with this. :)
He is a guy who isn't too cool to go on picnics with me. Where we actually sit on a blanket and absorb the sun and talk about what is around the corner for us.
When we retire for the evening...usually by 1030, we both read our books, but sometimes put them down to start or finish a conversation.
Even on weekends, we rarely sleep in and snuggle as I'd love to do more often, but when we do, and when Kramer is in bed with us, I can't be happier. We refer to the bed as "our cloud"...because when we first started living together, we felt weightless...finally not having to "stay the night" and then go home the next day. We were already home.
We recently have started going to church. Not just any church though as we've both come to realize that there isn't a dogma or doctrine in the world that we fully subscribe to. We do think there is more than one right answer to how to live a life of good. We also believe that at the core of every religion that does exist, is one thing that so often gets overlooked in the process of judging, in the process of interlacing politics with faith, in the process of believing one's beliefs are above another's.... and that is love. No, we're not signing our lives over to a hippy cult or some utopian society. But we are exploring the faith of
Unitarian Universalism....where community is at the forefront, and doing actual good is a priority. Where members talk the talk AND walk the walk. Where we focus not on converting everyone to believe what we believe, but where we seek to be socially conscious and proactive. Neil and I are excited at the prospect of sharing our views with others and still be spiritual. We can believe whatever we believe...and raise our son to be open-minded and tolerant, if not accepting, of all creeds. The church's Web site says it best...and I think this is how we are going to live our lives: "
We affirm individual freedom of belief; we encourage each person's unique religious quest; we include people of diverse views and backgrounds. Everyone is welcome."
And I've loved these past several years of us building our life together, setting out to start over in a city 2 hours to the west from where we met and fell in love, buying our home together and adding to our family with a four-legged cat we can't live without.
And now, we have a two-legged love child that will soon enter our lives...and I admit, as excited as I am, I am scared.
I don't want to lose all of this..all of our independence. All of our moments just between the two of us. Or the three of us, if you count Kramer. I know I went through this same fleeting thought the night before I picked out the cat we would cherish....thinking that it would be the last time it was just the two of us. And now I can't imagine going back.
So I will of course think the same thing about an actual child...part Neil, part me. But that is something I want to always remember. He is part of us. And we are part of him. But I still want to be me at the same time. I want Neil to be Neil. But just a shared, more selfless, loving, paternal/maternal, nurturing and fulfilled version of ourselves.
So here's hoping. :)
