I'm using my belly as a mouse pad

Yeah, that's right. As I lie here, wishing I could just go to bed already, I have the mouse a top my belly and it's working quite nicely. Until Dub bumps it and then I get distracted and whip out my phone trying to get YET ANOTHER video of the same movements I've been fascinated with from the outside for the past month.

That said, I had a moment the other day that nearly freaked me out and made me puke just from the sight of it. Dub's hiney or head puffed out so far on the left side of my belly that I thought for sure I was going to give birth through my navel at any moment. Here is a (horrible quality photo):

Yummy, right?


So what else is new... we have all our furniture (unless we add a bookcase later) and just need to start decorating the room and putting things away. But here is the bare-bones beginning of our offspring's lair.

We had one shower last weekend...it was so flipping fun and awesome. And have another one this weekend in Omaha...so am excited to start filling those drawers with our goods. Still have so much nesting left to do!!! (I will post some pics from the showers later...)


As for how I'm feeling. Well... I'm an emotional beast right now. I cried maybe 10 times at the shower on Saturday. But today, I didn't cry once, but wanted to tonight because I am feeling kinda awful right now. I had a long day at a photography workshop and didn't get to lie down at all (though I did prop myself back on a couch for a good part of the day, which definitely helped me get from 9:30 to 4 p.m. without intense pain.

But ever since I've been home, I've been lying back (other than eating) and the pain is still there. I just feel worn out. And Dub is so low right now that I feel I am hanging like an elephant trunk.

I have a bit of bitterness inside...even a bit of anger at myself... because I've been so centered on my pain and this new pace of my life (that I'm not a fan of at all) that I've kinda stopped focusing on the actual baby. Other than when he's kung-fu fighting inside my belly. And that's not fair to him. I thought I'd be more excited by now for this, but my apprehension for several things is growing.

I'm nervous he'll come way too early (Thank you, Lara, for only underscoring that when you told me your dream that I delivered at 32 weeks. haha). I'm nervous that my back will just get worse. And even more nervous that it will never go back to what it was before. Don't get me started on the research I've been reading that has come from studies in the past 5 years about surgery on scoliosis patients and how their curve, pain and levels of disability only increase as the years go. Suffice it to say, my future doesn't look as bright as I thought it would...and that I'm petrified. But ending that conversation here because I might bawl my eyes out.

I'm nervous about being able to afford day care when I'm not going to be bringing much, if any, income in from now until March. 

I'm VERY nervous about actual labor. The pain. The stuff you can't plan. That bodily function that I know supposedly nearly every woman embarrassingly commits while pushing. The messy aftermath. The task of undertaking breastfeeding and knowing it might not work for me.

And then after the labor...we'll have a freaking kid! How nerve-wracking THAT IS!! EEEK.

Yes, yes, there there, Darbi. I know that these are all normal and valid fears. But because they're MY worries...I don't like them one bit.

Neil swears he is not worried at all. I find that so odd. Is he lying? Am I being a baby about having a baby?  He's gotta be lying. Right? I keep telling him that if at any time he wants to freak out, to just tell me and I'll let him be the unreasonable one. But he shrugs and says, "we'll be fine!!"

How did that happen? How did I become the one who feels less ready for this?

THANKFULLY, we have a wonderful support system. And we make a good team. So I do know that in the end, we'll be just fine. But when I'm sleepless after getting up to pee for the 4th time...or when I'm so uncomfortable in bed due to my back AND my burgeoning bump, these are things I dwell on.


Ok, enough rattling. Here is our 30-week photo. (It's actually 29w, 5d because the only times we can take these photos is on the weekends now thanks to the sun setting so early...but that's fine cuz according to our last ultrasound, we were about 5 days ahead of the due date, so I figure we're fine.)

And that's a wrap, folks. I just convinced Neil to give me a massage and then I might actually go to bed before midnight tonight.

xo to you all for remotely caring enough to read this blog. :)