I am a mess but there is an end in sight.

So at 40 weeks and 2 days, I had a doc appointment today. The one I thought I would have to cancel. This is the first appointment since the beginning where I showed up looking like I gave up. haha I donned sweat pants and a tank and hoodie zip-up. It is really all that still fits me.

We started with the ultrasound. We learned that Dub still has testicles. (And they were huge! SEe below!) So that's good we don't have to waste all the boy clothes we have. (WE HAVE TONS!!!)

Also, and I'm probably messing up the facts here, but it'll give you an idea of what it means... they measure amounts of amniotic fluid on a scale of 5 to 25...and 5 is dangerously low. I have a 22. So that means that he's good in there...and that he's not going to be whopper-sized like I was (they can deduce this because if he were bigger, there would be less fluid). Hooray. The bad part of that high of a number: If my water breaks, we might need Noah's Ark to save us. 

And then after that, not much more news to report because I have made no progress with the dilation, despite the fact that I feel so much different. We actually nearly went to the L&D last night because I was having such intense contractions and lower back pain. But they weren't consistent, they weren't getting worse. I felt nauseated and super gassy....but I never felt the gripping period cramps I supposedly will feel when it's real. So we stayed home. I got five hours of sleep in one-hour increments over the course of 7 hours. That is aHUGE improvement from the previous three nights. Go, me!

So back to the appointment. I really didn't think I'd be upset hearing that I wasn't dilated because my mom said she didn't dilate with any of us three kids until she was IN labor.... but my back was hurting pretty bad by this point (it was a late appointment) and let's face it.. I am pregnant with emotions, too. So while lying back with my feet in the stir-ups, I covered my face and cried. 

My doctor (who is amazing and I highly recommend her...Dr. Carriker is her name!!...) kept saying she's sorry...but told me to not discouraged, and it really does mean nothing. She then asked, "Is there anything I can do for you?" 

I said through my sputtering tears... "Yes, Please help me up." 

So she pulled me up and while sitting on the end of the table with that awkward paper-towel skirt over my lap, she hugged me!! My doctor hugged me while I was wearing no pants. hahahaha She is so freaking sweet. It made me laugh. She said she just feels so helpless and wishes there was more she could do. Talk about a wonderful bedside manner. 

And then I had a contraction on the table....she felt it and verified they are indeed intense...more than a regular Brax Hicks so she said she really thinks I'm getting close. She said she'd be surprised if I make it to induction. BUT she said IF I do make it that far (and I'm not holding my breath...my gut says that I will not go into real labor tonight, Fri or Saturday...) I might not even get to the full-blown induction. I'm going in on Sunday at 8 p.m. for them to put Cervidil in...it's like a tampon, but is medicated with a drug that simulates the hormones that ripe and dilate the cervix. Dr. C said many times, women who are as effaced as I am...and who have been going through as many contractions as I do, will go into labor from just that. So here's hoping! 

I am a bit bummed Dub didn't come today cuz it's my brother's b-day. Though now I think he is a tad relieved that he doesn't have to share. ;) (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TROY!) So from here on out, I guess it doesn't make much difference when he DOES come. There are good things and bad things to any day. If he comes tomorrow or Saturday...my mom and dad can come down and not be rushed to get back. BUT my doctor won't be delivering me. If he comes from induction, my parents have to scurry back so Dad can get to work by 2 p.m. on Tuesday. But Dr. C will deliver him...and it'd be my g-pa's bday! 

After I dried the tears and put my clothes back on...I headed out and got on the elevator with two beautiful blonde kids, 6 and 8 in age or so....and their darling mom. The kids were squealing over their Happy Meal toys and begged their mom to take them back to McDonald's this weekend. She looked at me and laughed...I said, "I remember those days when that is what we looked forward to."

The mom took my friendliness as an invitation to inquire about my due date. To which I replied..."I was due two days ago."

Her eyebrows raised and she said, "Oh wow! YOu look absolutely wonderful!"

Without thinking, I watered down her compliment with, "Thanks. I feel absolutely horrible."

Her eyes filled with sympathy and her mouth turned down with understanding. And it was over. I felt it coming, I couldn't stop it, and even more foolishly, tried to warn her.  I said, "I think I'm going to cry."

And I did. I actually broke down and let out a sob. And the elevator door opened...I covered my face...waved at them hurriedly and said, "I'm so sorry!" and cried harder. I practically ran (with a waddle) out of the elevator, leaving the lil' blonde family standing in my wake...probably mortified. I bet the mom goes home tonight and puts up a Facebook status that says she complimented an overdue pregnant chick on the elevator and the crazy bitch burst into tears. haha

Seriously....that has to be the worst case of preggo tears in my experience. I still feel so gosh darn mortified.

Though the other night, I did have another instance that I thought was the funniest. I had just lain down in bed...and anyone who has been very pregnant knows...when you lie down this far along, you have to almost wince and wait as your body parts and internal organs fall into place. It hurts. It really does. 

Moments later...Neil threw himself onto the mattress with abandonment, and totally not thinking or planning or being conscious of it, he let out a huge sigh of contentment when his head hit the pillow. 

I cannot express how strong the wave of envy was that washed over me. I turned to him and before I knew it, I was crying. He had no idea why. And his look of his confusion didn't necessarily go away when I explained it was because he is a lucky bastard who is so comfortable that he involuntarily sighed out loud. And that is sooo unfair. 

Sigh. 

Ok, so yes, I'm miserable. I hurt. I cry a lot. I am sleeping less than I ever have or ever will (seriously will get more sleep when he's here).... I am not very happy with any of this. I know some might think I'm being overly negative, but to them I really do want to say....this is MY blog. This is MY pregnancy. And these are MY feelings. I have been 80 percent honest with what I've written (I've held  back some things that border on TMI...and that would be a bit too personal to share....) 

I am not a negative person overall. But this pregnancy has sapped the rose-tinted glasses far from my eyes....and the fears that won't be put to rest completely until the labor is over....until I know if my back pain will retreat to the dark cave it came from....have dominated me mentally for so long now, that I am captive to them.  I truly am jealous of the women who say they enjoyed their pregnancy. I wish that experience for everyone. I also feel so horribly bad for those who have it worse than I do, because I don't know that I could handle it without being checked into an institution if I had to go through any more pain or problems. And I do know that I'm so lucky that nothing has been wrong with Dub along this journey. It's just Dub is causing problems for ME. 

But I went for a walk after the doc appointment with my pal Gina...and seeing her 6-month old...being out in the fresh air...the sunshine (crazy cuz it's flipping JANUARY!!)...having someone to talk to.... really helped me clear my head. Not to mention, after the appointment, I updated several of my friends and family members via text  and they all were so darlingly supportive with their responses...that I felt empowered to take a few deep breaths and tried to gain perspective. 

I am very lucky. I am blessed. I am excited. I am having a baby. Either tonight. Tomorrow. Saturday. Sunday. Or Monday. By Tuesday, I will officially be a mother. I will be on my way to being me again...but with a part of me and a part of Neil to hold in my arms, to sing to with my off-key voice, to look at in awe and to feel so in love with, to experience life in a new light again. 

I can do this. I can get through four more days of being miserable. And I am looking forward to sharing my birth story with you all....and to show you photos of Dub, whom I will find beautiful regardless, even if you don't. :) 

Thank you to all who read this...to all who have shot me emails or comments or texts or Facebook posts that offer sympathy, funny stories, commiserating memories, motivational anecdotes or just plain advice. I do appreciate it (though I must say, if you have a bad experience, perhaps save it for after I get through this...as hearing about new things I didn't know I should worry about doesn't exactly calm this worry wart down...). and I can't imagine anyone having to go this road without such a great support system. I love you all. 

xo

D