35 weeks and change

As I write this, my inner tyke is not being very still. His movements over the past two weeks have become increasingly more definitive and strong. Cool on one hand, but not so much on the other because he literally has a mind of his own. And anything INSIDE you that you have no control over is sorta creepy, am I wrong?

I was telling Neil the other night, for the umpteenth time, that I still can't buy that pregnancy is "natural." I mean, consider this...if I weren't pregnant, but had all these weird things like: crankiness, horrible discomfort, digestive issues, something pushing and pulling your body in ways it shouldn't be pushed and pulled, trouble sleeping, nausea, inability to move without groaning, shortness of breath, need to pee constantly, tightening of the belly, pinching sensations in internal organs, cramping, etc.... then it could be assumed I was dying.

But in fact, these are all signs of LIFE. A new life. I thought I'd get over it as the time went on....I thought I'd start thinking: of course, this all makes sense. But no, I am still in disbelief, still in awe. Still a bit pissed at men in general for once again escaping the short-end of the stick.

I have been so incredibly uncomfortable after 7 p.m. Constant feelings of needing to reposition. I actually said out loud the other night: I feel like my angle of repose is all wrong.

So poetic, for something so ugly feeling.

But it's true. And yes, I will say it's a bit worse for me than I think it would be for the majority of women because lying on my right side hurts my back immediately and lying on my left side only lasts for an hour or so before the back probs begin. So I have to rely on the wedge and lie on my back, but again, the wedge is not at the right angle anymore, so I have about 5 pillows of varying thickness and materials and treat them like a brainteaser to see if I can find the magic formula of what pillow goes where and at what angle until I can handle the way my body feels. But what works one night doesn't work the next. Neil just watches me. I actually do see sympathy in his eyes, though,  which is better than annoyance. He has to sometimes help roll me back onto my wedge if I come off of it to hug him or lie on his chest for a very uncomfortable minute. We both laugh because it is quite funny how helpless we women become. But sometimes, the laughter is followed by tears. Because let's not forget...I'm pregnant.

Ok, so the weird belly shapes have continued. And they are accompanied by shortness of breath and sometimes horrid gas pains. Have you seen AMERICAN HORROR STORY yet? If not, the reference won't make any sense to you, but for awhile, I myself secretly worried the baby had hooves. Ok, it wasn't so secret. I joked about it out loud, but 10 percent of me wasn't joking.

Here are a few of the recent snaps I got of my tummy looking as it if it's play dough.

Looking straight down my belly...

This one is a bit of a side angle...

Looking straight down. 

So when these happen...I seek out comfort or fellow disbelief from a community of others .like me.. on Facebook by posting the visuals. (When I post pics like this, I only show it to 10 percent of my Facebook friends as I don't want just anyone looking at my belly...so don't think I'm one of "those people"...completely) The chorus of "ewwws" and "omgs!!!" that resound beneath the photo is deafening. But a fellow preggo posted a link to a site that ended up being a time suck for me as I got lost in the theories of belly mapping.

Check it out if you're curious. Basically, it shows you how to tell where/how your baby is lying inside and if he/she is in a position that isn't so labor-friendly, there are exercises and what have you that might help. Quite fascinating, really. Go here.

So based on what I typically feel in terms of where light, fluttery movement is versus where the strong, pounding kicks are, I deduced that Dub was possibly in this position:
http://spinningbabies.com/baby-positions/all-positions/left-occiput-anterior
Or at least, I was hoping I was right as it says it's a good position for vaginal labor.

Tidbit: My mom delivered both my brother and me in the posterior position...sunny side up. So it CAN be done. Forceps were used, but I'm fine with that. I do wonder why the forceps I've seen are all metal. Why not use tongs made out of a soft rubber or.... terry cloth? ha I just think that would sound less menacing and probably produce fewer abrasions on the baby's head.

With all these goings on kinda worrying me, I thought I'd show my ob/gyn the photos. Well, actually, I decided that was something I needed to do because Neil was sitting next to me when one of the strange occurrences took place. He looked a bit on edge when he said, "Can you show the doctor and just make sure it's normal?"

So I did. And Dr. C laughed. She explained that what I was witnessing was in fact Braxton Hicks contractions, and not evidence that our baby had horns. She said because I'm thin, it's like pulling a sock really tight around an object that is in the toe of the sock. The shape will be outlined.

I was very relieved...and shocked...to find out I'd been experiencing BHs and not realizing it. But it does make sense because I do get sensations that things are very constricted. It starts in my neck and jaw and moves down my chest. I don't dare move when they are happening or the belly shoots with pain. But overall, the contractions are not terribly painful. AHhhhhhh....I am actually having one right now. It looks like the last picture above.

K. It's done.

In the same doc appointment, we did an ultrasound (so I had even more proof that it was no demon baby inside.) However, let's be honest, the u/s ended up surfacing an otherwise latent fear that I think 90 percent of women have when pregnant.....can you handle hearing possibly your own trepidation voiced out loud?

Here goes.....
Will my baby be ugly?

If I went solely by the u/s, I would think the answer is yes. Don't act like you don't agree or that you think I'm horrible for toying with this idea. But he really does look like the love child of the scary fish in FINDING NEMO and the Stay Puft Marshmallow man. Not exactly something you want to cuddle, let alone go near your...uh....teat. (and yes, he has the cord around his neck again...and no, it's not a big deal because lots of babies are wrapped in someway in the cord. Rarely is it a serious problem. One such bit of research is here.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure I'll be blinded by motherly love. There really is a such thing as a not-cute baby. My mom has a saying, "Ugly in the cradle, pretty at the table." I think she had to chant that to herself because I wasn't exactly a darling infant. But she probably wanted to make up a new saying when she realized that my cuteness showed up around age 1 and lasted until she gave me that awful nearly boyish haircut with the feathered wings heavily hairsprayed back like I was a 40 year old unmarried woman.

Anywho...I have discussed this fear with many of my friends. We all fear it. I am not alone, so I'm totally okay with being honest here. If you've never had this feeling yourself, then you just haven't been pregnant yet...nor have you had to lie to someone when faced with a baby that doesn't exactly make you swoon.

But Dub, if you're reading this later in life when you can understand such things, know that even though it's a real concern of mine right now, if it comes to fruition, I know I will still feed you, clothe you, cuddle you and love you. I will just also pray that you grow out of the homely stage. hahahhahaha

So the findings of the u/s confirmed that he was in fact head down, and close to the position I predicted at the link above. Hooray!! No breech baby for me. At least yet. :)
He was estimated to be a bit over 5 lbs, which is a good weight as it decreases chances of going to the NICU if birthed early.


Now, it's a week later.... in this past week, we had our last educational class...the breastfeeding one. I am going to go into it with an open mind and set my first goal at getting through 30 days. I also want to flip off anyone reading this who will judge me, or anyone, at any point for giving up. They clearly are unaware of all the challenges, and they clearly haven't walked in the shoes (or worn their nursing bra???) of someone who has hurdle after hurdle to surpass while emotionally dealing with feeling like failing. So I say this now because I know there are people out there who look down on others when breastfeeding doesn't work out. And I think THOSE people should be judged for being plain mean. I'd rather be a quitter than mean.

The biggest question I have right now is which pump to get...and if I should get one...I definitely don't want to get one if it's not going to pan out for me. So I think I'll probably wait at least to see if I get a good latch and can physically meet the supply/demand needs of the kiddo. The class definitely gave us a lot of info (and Neil did get to see a rather large boob in the video....though having an infant suckling at it didn't exactly "do it for him"....) so I do feel a bit more empowered to give it a good attempt. But check back here a month after Dub is here to see if I got through the booby boot camp.

My 35 week doc appointment was today. She thinks I'm dilated 1 cm....and the cervix is thinning. Dub is incredibly low she said, so it is her best guess to say I won't make it to the due date. I'm okay with that. A lot okay with it.

We are going to Omaha this weekend. I had been so nervous about it because financially, we can't stomach covering the expense of going into labor where the hospital etc would be out of network. But this week, I double checked the info I had gotten from an email conversation with a Blue Cross rep and the chick on the phone made my day when she said there are in-network providers in OMaha, and we'd pay the same up there as we would down here if we go to one of the approved hospitals. SCORE. HUGE relief. Now, that said, I don't want to pop over the holiday for lots of reasons...but at least I know we won't start off the New Year with a large hole in our already thread-bare pockets.

So rock on with the jingle bells and secret kiss cookies.

(I'd like to take a second to say hi to my little cousin who, according to my aunt, likes to come to the blog to look at my belly. Hi, Daleni!!!!! Love you!!!!)

No belly pic today as we're doing it this weekend....but here are three maternity pics from the teasers that the amazing Leigh Miller sent me this week.They were taken at the 32 week mark. :)

Happy holidays, all!!! :) I will be enjoying the last Christmas that is just about my pre-baby family. But next year, it's ON. I already have his PJs that will look so cute on him. Even if he turns out to be a not-so-cute kid. hahahahahah