A mild heart-attack inducing milemarker: 1 YEAR

'Tis the eve before my baby boy turns 1. A year ago tonight, my emotions were running high...as was my discomfort level. A new chapter was unfolding...and though the going was tough and actual entrance of my Roo was horrid, I can honestly say that everything was worth it.

Did I mention that he turns 1 tomorrow??? OMG. First birthdays are so important for reasons beyond the fact that a baby has made remarkable progress on the path to becoming a REAL, LIVE boy. That first year is a huge chunk of development for the parents too. Neil's a different person. I am different. We are different collectively. So much has changed, yet it feels like home, like he has always been there. Yet he still feels so new. The novelty of being a mom has not worn off.

I love going back to read previous blog posts...blogs B.W. (Before Weston)... and some A.W. It feels just like yesterday I was bitching and moaning about feeling so gosh darn uncomfy....or that I was so fearful of where my back pain would leave me...or how I was in a dark place immediately after giving birth to whom would gradually grow into someone who is beyond special in my world.

Last night, I revisited the last belly-bump picture I posted on Facebook...the one saying "here goes nothing!" as the next morning was my induction. I read all the comments...many of which I never read to begin with or I did but was in an "I just had a baby and feel like I'm dying" stupor.

Last night, I cried. I was holding Weston while I read them, he was sipping on his bedtime bottle. I felt like I was watching myself through eyes across the room. I could see me looking haggard and harried just 12 months prior, holding a tiny lil' thing, in the same rocking chair, in the room I had painstakingly set up, and wondering what the future holds. At that point, I finally saw the tangibles--his round (and large) head; his blue eyes; his alert stare; his groping, exploring fingers; his lil' bird mouth.

But I wondered who he would become a month from then...3 months from then...a year down the road.

And god. That year down the road is actually right here. I'm at that corner of "wow, I already miss my baby" and "but this becoming-a-kid thing is kinda fun!" It really is a sentimental journey, this whole adventure in a mom's shoes. The post before this one I unleashed a lot of sappiness...sappiness I try to reserve for just my private letters to Weston. But I decided to post it on my blog because I think the essence of my feelings is something shared by mothers everywhere. And I am so very lucky to be able to be part of that club.

Another feeling that is something only moms (and dads) can truly understand is how the addiction to the firsts can lead to withdrawal over the "last times." I read a post on some brilliant-mommy writer's blog about how we spend so much time documenting and celebrating the firsts...the first time they roll over, crawl, eat real food, say a word, wave, clap, etc, that we suddenly realize we never paid attention to when the LAST time was that they did something. I was ripped at the core when I read it because I, at just 7 months into this mommy deal, knew EXACTLY what she was talking about. And I was so thankful that I had enlightened myself early enough to perhaps cherish each lil' thing a tiny bit more because of it.

Since then, I've been watching him differently. I already find myself wondering when was the last time Weston did his lil' sky-diving belly hang? Or when was our last nap where I could cuddle with him as he slept? When did he stop enjoying the sound of rolling Rs? And for the future...when will he no longer crawl as he giggles like a lil' hiccuping hyena because he'll choose to only walk?

When will he altogether cease the crazy hand movements of 'wax on, wax off' while he's eating and wants something BADLY?

When will he not point at things and grunt a question?

When will he stop giving open mouthed kisses with a hum?

When will he no longer groan continuously while he falls asleep when he's trying to stay awake?

When will he no longer crawl with purpose to me and bury his head in my lap as I pat his back and tickle the back of his head?

When will he no longer fit in my arms horizontally?

GASP....I already don't hear him talk with his accent and say "biggle biggle biggle bum" as much anymore. I WANT HIM TO BE 18 AND SOUNDING THE SAME!!! (not!)  SOB.

Ok, wiping away tears...This mom thing has made me a HUGE wuss.  How can I raise a boy to be a man if I'm this girly!? ;) You know another small thing that has changed for Neil & I now that we have a kid? We talk differently to adults.

I grabbed Neil's water on accident one night at dinner and Neil said in a soothing, chiding tone, "No, no, that's mine!"

And the other night out to eat, the manager came over to see how our meal was and I said, "It's yummy!" as I rubbed my tummy.

Did I just say TUMMY?
See what I mean? 

So let's move on to the roll call of Westie-Roo's steps forward....because I really could go on and on with just ramblings.

BIG EVENT:
For starters, as I think this is pretty pivotal in how other things played out, on Jan. 7, Weston had tubes put into his ears to hopefully end ear infections that have been plaguing him since he was 8 weeks old (He was on his 6th one when the pediatrician referred us... and he got another 1.5 weeks later.)

The experience was definitely worth it (Though it was an $8k procedure; thank gosh for health insurance....we only paid 1/15 of that.)

While we were waiting for the procedure to commence, we sat in the out-patient area with beds and Weston was charming everyone who so much as looked his way. The nurse anesthetist, a dude no less, asked if he could take him for a walk. Weston obliged and eagerly watched as Billy showed him a "magic door" (an automatic one! Ha) and gave him a hat. See pics below. It was sad when we handed him off for the actual surgery because his mood had been so wonderful and we knew it was going to be over.

And we were right. He was an a-hole right after he came out of the anesthesia. Poor lil' guy. He arched his back, wailed and screamed and croaked and just made it verbally known that he had an angry demon inside him. I expected to see him barf up split pea soup.

Luckily, this tenaciousness disappeared after he FINALLY fell asleep on the way home. He awoke and had some tater tots and was happy-go-lucky there on out. PHEW.





And the next day, when i went to get him from daycare, I peeked in the window to watch him before I made my presence known and the girls waved me in with a fervor. I opened the door to see what they were all excited about and they were mid-count....as Weston was WALKING across the floor. He took 21 steps before he crashed. He only fell because he got so excited and started clapping when we were saying" Good job!" hahaha

He took two days off of taking any steps and then suddenly was back at it. Sometimes just 7-8 steps, sometimes 20. He's at a point now, where he's really good at standing up without anything to pull himself up and he can take off. He's not the most graceful yet, nor would we let him just walk around while we shopped, etc... but he crossed the HE CAN WALK threshold that 2nd week of January (11 months, 1 week.)

Here are a couple of videos...

FINE MOTOR SKILLS & PHYSICAL DEVELOPMENT
So the drumming skills continue to progress. He's now able to do paradiddles. Not really. (Who googled that? Did YOU?) But he's dedicated. And Neil couldn't beam more with pride than he already does when he sees that he'll be able to live vicariously through his son.

Along with making his own beats, he continues to dance. LOTS. When we pick him up from daycare or from the nursery at church, the caregivers always remark that "this one likes to dance." Is he any good? Well maybe for a 1 year old. But I think he might be taking after my mom and Neil. If you've seen them dance, you'll know what I mean. I have faith that there is time to save him. ;)

He of course knows the "How big is Weston? SOOOO big!" deal. Actually, I had done it with a lot early on and then I realized he was way too young so gave it up. About 2 weeks ago, I thought I'd reintroduce it, thinking I'd have to start from scratch. But apparently, daycare is all over that shiznit and Weston reacted exactly how he should immediately. (Note: sometimes it makes me sad when things like this happen...I don't get to know EVERYTHING he knows. It's kind crazy. Though I think it's great cuz I can't think of teaching him everything I should be teaching him.) Darnit. I can't find the video. Maybe later.

BREAKING NEWS: He finally plays with things longer than 30 seconds. Do you know how big that is? Like, I can go make myself a glass of water and come back and he might still be stacking the same blocks. YESSSSSSSSSS!
 
Apparently, Weston is going to be a climber. Troy & Wendy got him a Duplo table for Christmas and Weston doesn't give a hoot about the blocks. He just immediately climbs on top of it and kneels there. (Dummy manufacturers for not testing it out with a bunch of kids to see that it's about 3 inches too low. GRRRR.)

We've been working with him lots on this, but he just this past week is consistent in practicing this skill...he can now suck on a real straw. He loves to drink out of my cup (that has a straw) and he also has learned how to blow bubbles with it. YAY, baby backwash!!!

In that same vein, he seems to favor regular cups over sippies, though we have a lot of diff types so he has a well-versed mouth. But he's more apt to drink too much and spit it out and choke if he uses a real cup cuz he gets too excited.

For feeding... it just hit me 2 weeks ago that we need to start weaning him off the bottle. Such a foreign concept. We have succeeded in just quitting the 1030 one cold turkey. We offer him water with his snack, but he doesn't seem to miss it. Next up is his post-nap one (3:30 p.m. ish). We skipped it these last 2 days and he was fine...but we'll see how it goes at daycare when he sees all the other kiddos getting theres. A problem might be had. After that, we'll take out the 630 a.m. one and then last to go will be the pre-bedtime one. EEEEK.

In December, and I might ahe mentioned this already, we began mixing 2% milk with formula (just a splash of the milk) cuz he stopped drinking much of it due to taste, we believe. I think we'd be totally fine to say bye-bye to formula now altogether, but am just going to wait for the 1-year appt next Monday and then also we have a canister of formula left.

He has recently showed LOTS of interest in feeding himself with a spoon. It's kinda cute. If we give him one, he of course can't use it, but he'll move the food around on his tray with it. Then he'll pick up a piece and put it on the bed of the spoon and then remove it again and eat it. We just laugh.

Teething update, he has 2 bottoms, one on the top, and then another is cutting this week. But for just having a tripod of dental facets, he sure can gnaw and grind his food. He LOVES having big pieces of things. And it's kinda annoying, but he likes to have a piece of the food in each hand if it's toast, crackers, etc. So I have to break it into two so he can have one ready to go when the first is finished. This pic shows his bottom two!!!

He of course is all over openign things. Cupboards. Doors. The fridge. Well just recently, he started opening the cupboard that holds things like water bottles/cookies/candy. And we always close it before he can explore. Well TWO times now, we've been slow to get there and he goes after the SAME thing...the thing that he sees Neil and I go under there to get. DOVE CHOCOLATE. It's in a white heart-shaped bowl ...and from where he'd be standing, he can't see INTO the bowl, but he knows exactly what he's doing when he reaches in for his own morsel of goodness. Of course, we don't let him eat it. And then a tantrum ensues. See note below for more about that.

VERBAL SKILLS

I love that he speaks a language that I can't understand and that he speaks a few words that only Neil & I get. Kinda like we have a secret club with him. (We'll work on handshakes later.)
Words he has added to his lexicon (with pronunciation in parentheses):
kitty (key);  dog (god); he can sign MORE, but says "mo!"; baby; bottle (bah-bah); he signs "milk;" 

And daycare reports that he can say "lyla"...which is his girlfriend's name. ;) 

Neil was obsessed with matchbox cars when he was younger. So he wants to pass that obsession on. When we play with the cars, we push them around and on his tummy, etc...and say things like "neeee-roommm..." or "vroom"... and now, Weston does too. It's not as definitive, but kinda cute that he's trying so hard to make the noise. He thinks we are just so cool I guess. ;)

PERSONALITY

My gosh. Does my son have a personality or what? He's such a goofball. And I know I've said it again and again, but he's seriously a FLIRT. He does this thing that gets all the (elderly) ladies going. He peeks at them from the side and then turns away really quick...then looks back at them with a cheesy grin and then looks away... bows his head and peeks up at them, and repeat that like 20x. No exaggeration. 

But here is something weird he does. And I've tried to get a video of it, and I might have...and if so, I'll post in here when I find it or get one, but if we have a beanbag in the middle of our living room floor and he will race across the floor (sometimes crawling, but now, in his lil' man stumbling saunter) and dive into the beanbag, face first. And then he will spread his little legs like a frog in the back, and then he will....get this... hump the ground 3 or 4 times. Seriously. He also does this when left in his crib and he'll mound all his blankets up underneath him and hump them several times. What the heck. He did NOT learn it from me. I hope he grows out of it soon. 

And he is 1 going on 2 because he has started the tantrum-throwing. Over the dumbest things. Like...a book won't open (BECAUSE HE IS SITTING ON IT!!!), he can't get the jack n the box to work, we wouldn't give him cat treats, we closed the fridge before he could get out his frozen piece of pie and put it somewhere else... and so forth. Here is one video of it. It's cute, but I fear for his safety because he throws himself backwards a lot in his dramatic posturing. 

He's not a huge fan of TV. Which is great, other than sometimes, you DO need something to occupy them so I can..oh, I dunno...pee or fold laundry? But he's more apt to chill on Neil's lap and watch TV for a few. He seems to love Fraggle Rock (cuz it has a "god!" in it! haha). The one on the right below...he was cuddling with the bean bag and threw himself off like he likes to do...and where he landed, he stayed because some show on PBS held his attention for a total of 4 minutes. It was great! hahaha

He's also busy testing his limits. He smiles when we say no, he lifts his leg to climb on the Rocktivity table, even when I say no... until I finally just pull him away from it and distract him. He also has been known to accidentally hit himself with something, or bump his head, and then he goes back to do it again and again, softly....each time harder and harder...it drives me nuts. I know he's just doing it because he's exploring, but why choose that?! He also hits me when he's tired if I'm lying down trying to play with him. Every so often, I actually fear him when he gets a devilish grin in his eyes and comes at me. hahaha

He's still a fan of hats. We put one on him every day and he leaves it on till someone takes it off. He also tries to get daddy's off and then it's cute to watch him try to put it back on.

Thus far, babysitters are no sweat. He's waving BUh-BYE at us as we leave. We love the regular sitter we have. And so does Weston. She showed up the most recent time and he clapped.

We would love to Skype more with our familiy since no one is here in town, but OMG. What a pain. we're not ok with letting him play with our phones or the ipad at this piont in time because it's not like you can explain time limits to them or just take it way without a huge fit. So we're witholding it from him and he's for the most part good with it. But when we Skype, of course, he wants to touch the screen or the phone or the laptop...and the other end of the convo only sees the top of his big ol' head or up his nose. haha

He loves to play "let's tickle daddy!" And recently found MY belly button and keeps lifting up my shirt. Then he'll lie on his tummy and prop up on my legs (if sitting criss-crossed) and look at it intently. Awesome.

We ABHOR two things with him right now: changing his diaper 80 percent of the time (he becomes a possessed beast) and eating dinner when he's not into whatever we feed him. (Who doens't like noodles???!!! THIS KID!)

Also, it kind sucks right now because daycare has him only napping once a day...and it's usually 12:30-3 p.m. When he's home with us, we tend to put him down for a morning nap too so we can get him to stay awake through lunch if we go somewhere. But it doesn't always work, so I usually have to hop in the backseat and keep him awake (he's not old enough to "play" with things in the car, it seems. Not for long enough, anyway.) If he falls asleep, he has been frequently known to not take an afternoon nap and then that is REALLY horrific.

Right now, these are his favorite toys:
his drum (or anything he can drum on); boxes; buckles; wooden hammer & ball set; real books to just flip through over and over and over and over; magnets on the fridge; blocks; and diapers. Yes, he can play with his diapers for a really long time. Video is below, but you'll get the idea.

The past month and a half....his mouth is ALWAYS agape. Just like this. I love it.

FUNNY STORIES & EVENTS

We've just now started brushing his teeth. He likes it.

He is still very into our cat. ha. Kramer now acquiesces to Weston's zest for kitty hugs and puts up with it. He might be on edge a bit, but he tolerates it just long enough. He'll even tease him with flicking his tail. If he REALLY wanted to be out of reach, he could, Oh, I don't know....RUN AWAY??! But no, he just moves over an inch until WEston gets there and the hunt continues.

 

They'll be best buds soon. I just know it. ;)

He's already learned to pat the floor like I do when I want Kramer to come here. But unfortunately, Kramer doesn't listen to Weston like he listens to me. ;)

He also got to experience his first snow. Neil and I played with him in it...it was on New YEar's Day!

And two funny stories...
1. One night when the babysitter was here and I was trying to say goodbye, he had his back to me drumming away and showing off to Maddie. I said, "Bye, Rooster! CAn you come give me a kiss?" And I kid you not, he leaned over and kissed his drum. Oh gosh. It made me laugh so hard. hahaha
2. Last week, I showed up to daycare and they told me they had witnessed the creepiest thing they'd ever seen there. During nap, they all sleep on cots with their sheets/blankets. Megan said she saw something out of the corner of her eye about 1 hour into the nap and realized Weston was standing up on his cot (which is NOT very steady, mind you!) and he was dancing. WITH HIS EYES CLOSED. She said his arms were even out to the side as he swayed back and forth. Then he just laid back down and was out... WHAT?! ha I love it. I know I know, some people are concerned this will mean he'll have some sort of sleep/behaviour problems, but I'm not too worried at this point. Neil has talked in his sleep and sometimes gotten out of bed. Mostly when he was super stressed or tired. And as it turns out, Weston got the stomach bug the next day, so maybe that is why? But creepy though it might be, I still got a good chuckle. My lil' Tiny Dancer.

He escaped from a diaper change one night...and did this.

SO PRECIOUS.

SQUEEZE IT!!!

When he was sick. :(

So innocent. ;)

 Watching squirrels.

Playing at the Wonderscope museum.

This is actually funny...he loves dogs. LOVES them. But he was kinda weirded out by this one. Video and pic.

Loving attention at church nursery...

Uhoh...it got out!!!

 Watching the snow.....

Music makes me HAPPY!!!

His hair. He's not bald, see? hahaha

 Yep.

 Conked out.

 So cool that he can eat string cheese in bigger pieces. ;)

Daycare's official pic.... hahaha

 At the same museum...he knew how to use a cart. ;) Just like his daddy.

At Target. He's so fun to take shopping.

Wearing a party dec!!!

At the park with Evan... he wouldn't let go of the rocks.

I gave him his snacks for the first time in the bowl cuz he threw a fit on the way home. And he immediately tipped it over and ate the food out from between his legs.

He's Elton John!!!

So this concludes my first year of mom posts. I am closing out these 12 months with hope, joy, nostaliga, a bittersweet yearning and most of all, pride. I am proud of my son, of course. He has proved to be resilient, fast-learning, happy-go-lucky and ever-curious. But I also am proud of Neil. Neil has grown into a polished, fun-loving and cool dad over the past 1/10th of a decade. He makes me so happy when I see him and Weston just being boys together. 

Lastly, I am proud of myself. I went into the reproductive thing fairly knowledgable and prepared as can be, but I unearthed feelings I never thought I'd feel. From self-loathing and bitterness in the beginning days, to trepidation and exhaustion beyond all definitions in the weeks that followed... to what has become the single-most fulfilling role I've ever had. Being a mom comes naturally for most people. I didn't think I'd be one of those. I mean, yes, I knew I'd keep the kid alive and safe and fed. But I didn't know I'd enjoy doing it and in turn, do it with such gusto and overflowing love. My cup runneth over daily. And I 've time and again revisited the notion that to love your own kid this much so early on... I am excited, and somewhat fearful, to see how deep this love can go as each year passes us by. and in the meantime, I take satisfaction in knowing that not only is my child surviving and thriving, but that I am a GOOD mom who is doing the same. 

Thank you to anyone who reads this or who has offered me support in this past year--during my uncomfortable, painful pregnancy, during my residence under the dark cloud after his birth.... and throughout the days since when I am bursting with eagerness to share bits of Weston (however dull they are to others) with anyone who will listen or peek at a photo, despite it not really being newsworthy to anyone other than Neil or myself (or the grandparents!!) Weston's the most important person in my life. And I truly am appreciative to those who ACT like they care just because of that very fact. Love to you all.  CHEERS! xo