I need a surprise...five months early

If I try to hone in on just who is the mysterious creature within, my mind ricochets between two visions: one of a little round-faced boy with bright blue eyes who looks so much like his daddy that I cave in to his every wish and who is curious, independent and unafraid of exploring. The other is of a spunky little girl, with just as blue eyes, but hair dark and curly and a sweet innocence in her smile that hides the mischievousness that lies dormant until you least expect it.

I am very aware that either, or both, of these visions can be way off. I'm okay with that. but I really would like help in narrowing down which MIGHT be in our future.

I really do not know how people can go the entire pregnancy not knowing in which way the pendulum will swing. It unnerves me that some people can be that patient. Is that even human?? haha

I admit I get peeved when I hear the reasoning for waiting to find out the gender (I know it's technically not "gender" since that is more of a social term, but I don't want to write the other one and have google's creepy-crawlers link my baby blog with that three letter word that starts with S) is because the couple "wants to be surprised."

That indicates that those of us who find out five months earlier are not surprised when the ultrasound tech reveals the news. Or that it's not a surprise enough to have a human being (regardless of the gender) slowly squeeze out of a small tunnel (or be pulled out through a medically created incision). I think there are plenty of surprises that await once the baby becomes a true Earthling...those all I can hold off on learning.

I need a surprise NOW.

I need something to rekindle my excitement...to recharge my desire to nest...to help me prepare and plan. I want to have the knowledge so I don't HAVE to swaddle my lil' bambino in an early life of *only* yellows and greens. (Note: I do know that many of the items I will have to stock up for in preparation will be gender-neutral in palettes, BUT...those aren't the items that truly get my juices going...the clothes & the decor & the toys.) and I want to do the same favor for my friends and family members who will welcome the baby-fuzzball into the world.

Everyone of course is entitled to go about this the way they want...I do not mean any offense to those who CAN wait...I just don't like when they indicate that THEIR way is the only way that is a surprise.

So that all said...the time is approaching. This coming Thursday is the day I've been waiting for since May 20 when we found out our lives, as we know them, would be over come next January.

I get asked a lot...do I want a boy or a girl more? I ask other moms-to-be the same thing. I hear so often, "It doesn't matter. As long as the baby is healthy."
I'm really not sure I believe that. I think everyone leans at least a TAD bit one way or the other, but they might be too ashamed or fearful to admit it, just in case their desire isn't met with reality and they don't want to be judged for having it on the record that they wanted the opposite gender of what they got.

I am going to be ballsy and tell you straight up... I want a boy more than I want a girl for this first baby.

For starters... I always wanted a big brother. (My own brother is 14 months younger than me...yeah, that's right, my mom started the crazy pregnancy journey over when I was just five months old...and though my brother is physically BIGGER than me, and has been for quite some time, I just never felt protected like I wanted to be during the pivotal years of junior high and high school...)

So I want any other kid/s to follow to have a big brother.

I also want to have the first grandson on my side of the family. My sister got the first grandchild as a whole...and believe me, I think Lil C (my niece)'s position on the family totem pole of importance is untouchable. So I would like a boy so that he at least has the novelty of the weenie on his side. ;)

And the last reason...when I visualize Neil and me...and Kramer... our lil' family of three turning into a family of four, I see a boy fitting in so much better right now. I've had a name picked out for a boy for the past 4 years, and everything. Two weeks before I found out I was pregnant, I had a dream that we had a baby boy. And I was elated in the dream.

A little boy would mean a true buddy for Neil... (yes, I know we can do this all with a girl, but it's not the same vision, okay??) when Neil wants to take someone fishing, play baseball, hunt for bugs, watching lightning or go look at clouds. He'll be ornery, but quiet, like his dad...and he will grow up with an insatiable desire to know how the world works...and he will know how to treat other boys...and girls...with acceptance and humility. He will be a silly kid, but always sweet. A mama's boy, but also a daddy's one. He'll play soccer and baseball. He'll learn guitar AND drums. He probably won't be able to carry a tune, thanks to his parents, but he'll be in a band and make lots of noise and throw himself behind some sort of environmental cause, carrying out his dad's own passions. He'll let me take photos of him, though begrudgingly, and will not necessarily embrace learning photography, but he'll do it to make me feel good. He'll have some random interest, like collecting worm carcasses, that we will support, with raised eyebrows. He will be just like his dad, only with some of my good parts, too. ;) He'll be the love of our life.

So if next Thursday, I find out that:
1. Any future kid/s of ours will instead have a big sister; AND
2. I am having the 2nd granddaughter for my side of the family; AND
3. My truest visions are very incorrect...

what will happen?

I'll tell you. Because I've played it out in my head...and I know how it will go. (And to be honest, despite me always feeling like I'd have a boy first, mostly because I WANT a boy first, if I had to place a bet, I might bet on me having a girl, only because I feel strongly that it is a boy. Plus I jinxed it and bought a 3T shirt for that "someday son"....)

It goes like this:

As we await the tech to hunt down the baby's private parts, Neil will be perched eagerly on the edge of his chair in the U/S room, mostly silent, maybe cracking a few jokes that border on really dumb or mildly inappropriate because he'll be nervous, though he won't let on. I will be lying back, I might even LOOK relaxed, but inside, my own heart might be nearly matching the bpm that is coming from the now 18-week-old being inside me. I will probably have cottonmouth. I will probably have to pee. Again. I will be sweating in my armpits. And I will be feeling that tension in my cheeks and throat--you know the one where you're trying to stave off the desire to cry. After the U/S tech pushes the wand on my stomach, and I see the spud flip flop inside me, I will tear up regardless.

And when she zones in on the part between the legs, and coyly looks at us to tell us, thinking that it's news to me...which it won't be because I'll have already recognized the cheeseburger-like staticy image that is on the screen... (I've studied lots of YouTube ultrasound videos and images)...but I won't say anything to Neil yet cuz I'm swallowing more tears. She'll say, mostly for Neil's benefit, unbeknownst to them, "You're having a...girl!"

I will cry. I won't sob. Don't worry. I won't bawl or go ballistic or ask that she check again for a protrusion she might have missed.

But I will look at Neil and say, "I knew it....." He might see the ephemeral disappointment in my eyes...And then after a few tears fall down my cheeks, I will take a few deep breaths and immediately picture that lil' girl I described in the beginning. The one with her dad's hair, my smile and a combination of our personalities that will make her so darn charming and delicious for the eyes, for the ears, for the arms to hug. I will immediately think of the shopping trip I am taking right after I get out of the doc's office with my good friend, a recent mother to a boy, and how we can go berserk buying adorable clothes and fun things for the bedroom--things she can't buy for her SON. I will start seeing Lil' C, my niece, and lil' Baby H playing together when they get older...being those cousins who love getting together and get into all sorts of trouble (led by Lil' C, I believe, though Baby H will have no trouble going along with it...). I will see my mom and dad falling victim once again to a sweet angel, who will be so different than their first granddaughter in so many ways, but have enough in common that they get to relive all the moments once more. And I will think about telling Neil's parents, who are rooting for a girl because they have two sons...and how excited they will be to have a granddaughter. She will learn photography early on, I will get her into figure-skating lessons so she can do what I never could (I won't force her to compete, I just want her to LEARN), and she will grow up being an intriguing girl because she knows how to drum any boy drummer into shame. she will be bold, daring and compassionate. She will be sassy, but funny, so she'll be hard to punish when she gives us lip. And I will be fine. I will be excited. I will love her to no end, just as much as I would a baby boy. She'll be the love of our life.

So yeah. Bring it on, Aug. 25. I can handle it! :)

and as an update, here is my belly at 17 weeks.